For An Impossible Torn Heart

The other day I began contemplating life and death. I started thinking of my life and how I have been living it. To be honest I haven't lived my life the way I would like to. Obviously, like anyone else, I want to do good and be a good person and not sin at all. Again, obviously, that's impossible.

I wonder what my life will end up as, if it will be like a plan (wealthy, many kids, married happily, working at home as a computer programmer) or if it will be exactly like it was been my whole life. Hopefully I can at least get the many kids and happily married down, the wealth and job I want is just an added bonus. As I was thinking of my life and what it would be like I suddenly realized that one day I WAS going to die and there was nothing I nor anyone else could do, and even though I don't want to die if I did have eternal life everyone I loved would be dead and gone and there would be no point in living any more.

The thought of death scares me because I'm afraid of forgetting everyone I love. I don't want to leave them such as my friends as they are now and my future kids and my future life. Knowing I am going to heaven makes it a little better, but I still won't want to leave them and the idea of being in heaven scares me. Will I remember who I was on earth and my friends and family that I once had that I will meet in heaven. The unknowing of death scares me more than the concept of death itself.

I do not know when I am going to die, but if everything goes according to plan I won't be dying for a very long time, which means I have time to straighten myself out. It upsets me that Liam accepts hell as his fate, there isn't really anything I can do. If Liam believe he is going to hell nothing is going to change his mind, it upsets me because I don't want him to be hurt and I'm going to heaven and I would really like to be there with him. Hopefully he, also, will straighten out before he dies.