Unforgiven

I've never felt,
A feeling like this.
Happy and sad,
Depressed and some Bliss.
Every thing is done,
Every thing is said,
And still my minds filled,
With you in my head.

You make me smile,
But you make me cry.
I want to live forever,
I want to lay down and die

I want to be,
Forever with you,
I want to see,
Anyone but you.

Because of you,
I've curled up inside.
Inside of myself,
Is the place that I hide.

Yet to be to myself,
Is all that I want.
I should be thanking you,
Instead of screaming "fuck!"

Curled up in a ball,
crying on the floor.
Screaming "Oh God!"
Slamming my head in the door.

Remembering the times,
The way that you smile.
When in your arms,
I want to stay there for a while.

The Forbidden Fruit

Just to show you how fair the world is, from what I have observed, we seem to often fall in love with the one person we can't have. I believe that there is one person out there in the world for us, one who we are really meant to be with and who is really meant to be with us, but the chances of finding them are 1 in 1,000,000. I also believe that we don't marry the person we love.

Maybe there is something appealing about what you can't have but it just seems that when we do fall in love, we fall in love with what we can't have. With my older sister, she fell in love with a guy who my parents hated. I genuinely believe that they were in love, I wish they had stayed together because they are two people I could see living off love in a little apartment somewhere 10 years from now. I believe he was her soul mate.

The fact that they are not still together makes me question love, everything in the world makes me question love. The fact that I have so much love to give is the only reason I still believe in love. I've had my own experience with love. When I was younger I loved a guy who I could not have, he was completely off limits, which brings me back to the original question; Why do we always fall in love with the one person we can't have?

There is my theory that something we can't have is more appealing but maybe it's a test from God. It's like.. God puts obstacles in the way of you and that person so you can prove your love to them, you have to work to get them and when you have them, if you really love them, it will be like a piece of heaven.

I have my own forbidden fruit. I am Eve, he is my forbidden fruit and just like Eve I have taken a bite from the forbidden fruit. At the moment I'm just waiting to see if I get punished, hopefully I won't. Moral of the story: If there is something blocking your way between you and the person you love, keep working towards them because the more you work the more worth it it will be.

Miserable at Best

Things don't always go according to plan. That is something I have learned throughout my life. In June I was seeing myself at homecoming with Liam, the happiest and most beautiful girl there, now I see myself by anothers side, and even though I may not be wearing the crown like I had planned I will still be the most beautiful girl standing in the room with him by my side. But as I started out things don't always go according to plan and for all I know, homecoming being in January, I could be the loneliest and saddest person there. I might not even go. No one really knows what is going to happen we just assume.

We sometimes just hope for the best, but have so much hope in us we get blinded to reality and when reality hits, it hits hard. At first I thought my break up with Liam went as best as it could but I'm starting to see differently now. Liam loved me, he cared about me we were still going to be friends, everything would be fine, we still had each other. Well, like I've said twice now, things don't always go according to plan. I had planned for everything to work out, but at the moment it's still crashing down.

The little comments, the sneers and jeers, and I know it's both our fault. I wish I could just talk to him, I want everything to be okay.. but it isn't. I cared and still do care a LOT about him and all I want is to talk to him and be close to him but I don't know how, I'm still so torn up that he hurt me even though I know the hurt was only so I could heal. The only thing that makes it okay is telling myself he' doing it because he loves me.

I don't always understand life, but I try my best at it. Moving on is the best thing to do and I have my friends to help me with that. I just don't want to have to.

There's 30 Days of September, April, June, and November.

I thought that since today was the last day of September I should say something inspirational. My life is not a very inspirational life but I would like to think that someone could hear about my life and walk away have learned something. As most people know I complain a lot, what's even worse than my complaining is I don't listen. People try to help me and give me advice but I want what I won't and I'm not going to listen.

I know that this is a very stupid thing for me to do, so don't for a second believe that I'm proud of a lot of the things I do. I know I am not a good person and I know I'm selfish and stupid, but I still hate it when people tell me it. I really do try, I don't know if anyone knows that but I do try to be a good person and I try to keep my mouth shut and I try to take advice people give me. When people insult me for these things it just reminds me of the awful person I am. Some people wonder why I am so unhappy it's because they don't give me enough credit for how hard I try.

I don't take peoples advice a lot of the time because their advice is what they would do, me and that person most likely are two very different people. Getting hurt is a chance I am willing to take. I take a lot of chances. My decisions are not what make me so unhappy with me life, in fact my decisions just make me a stronger person, it's the qualities I hate in myself that make me unhappy with life. I can't love until I love myself. I always say I love everyone but really I'm just neutral about everyone. I like hugs I like to show affection but, if there's something I have to say you're going to hear it and if you can't handle the truth that's something you have to get over because lying is more painful then telling the truth.

I don't lie a lot. Even if I have done something wrong, I don't usually try to make up a story and cover it up, I tell it like it is. It is so much easier to just take the consequence and get on with life. A lot of people look down on me for telling the truth so much, because I can hurt people easily. A better description would be that I'm very opinionated. If I don't like your hair I will tell you because I would want someone to tell me if they thought my hair looked bad. I guess I see no wrong it what I say and do because all I'm doing is following the golden rule. The problem is a lot of people aren't like me and don't want to be treated how I can handle being treated.

A Fresh Start

As most of you might have already come to notice I have not written in my blog in quite a while, I will tell you why. Since about a week after school started I have been depressed. I never wanted to make a guy my everything but I did and when I started losing his attention I put everything I had into keeping him. This took away my energy to do anything else. I tried so many things just to resolve the issues we had been having. I ignored him to make him miss me and when that didn't work I pretended to be happy and when that didn't work I threatened my life.

Threatening my life really was a stupid idea because you never accomplish anything when lives are on the line. In truth, it only made the end come much faster than I hoped. I called Liam on Sunday and just cried and told him I didn't want to be with anyone else and how much I was going to miss him. That Wednesday Liam broke up with me. Sealed with a kiss (on the cheek).

At first I was upset but instead of crying I laughed, I laughed as loud, hard, and much as I could. For the next two days everything was black and white and I was just barely getting by. I was happy at school because Liam was there and although he had hurt me, I still loved to see him. I smiled at school, I went home and cried. I knew it all had to end.

The day Liam broke up with me a guy I had liked since I had met him, near the beginning of the year, told me he liked me. At first I was a little excited because I did like him also but I was still a little torn up over Liam. As I talked to and hung out with Scott more I liked him even more. He made/makes me happy and I appreciate his concern for my wellness. I have these memories of Liam and the things we used to do, and I can't let them go. Up until a few days ago I had the hope of getting back with Liam, but today I am a new person. Today I am the butterfly coming from the cocoon. Like the lilies of spring I will rise again.

The only negative experience I can think of getting from this is how will I ever learn to be happy and love myself without a guy if the second a guy breaks my heart another one walks into my life.

Take my hand NOT my life.

On facebook my dad did this birthday wish thing. It's like asking you to donate money to a cause for his birthday. He was asking people to donate to stop abortion. There was also a little story as to why you wanted people to donate to stop abortion. Here's what my dads said.


"This is why I care

I had a girlfriend in college who got pregnant, told me she was pregnant, and then got an abortion without my knowing it. Since then I have fathered 5 children, all of whom I love very much. If abortion had been illegal at the time, I would have 6 children to love. Hardly a day has gone by in 24 years that I have not thought of "who could have been", and to this day it pains me to think about it. I am STRONGLY against abortion. I believe life begins at conception and anything done to end that life is murder. I do not abdicate violence against abortion clinics, or the people who use them, but if people truly understood the love that Christ has for them, they would not be able to commit such a horrible act. Christian Adoption Services provides an alternative to abortion, while exposing people to Christ's love who may not experience it anywhere else. My son/daughter would have been 23 this year. That is the ammount I am requesting be donated in honor of him or her."

So, in other words, today I found out that I have a brother or sister, who was murdered before they even had the chance to live. Abortion was already something which I hated and was against, but knowing now that one of my siblings life was taken by it makes me hate it so much more. I could have had an older brother or sister but instead their mother decided without my dad that she did not want them. She was so selfish to not only take away that childs life but take away something from my father me and all my other sisters and brother.

Abortion IS wrong because it IS murder under any circumstances. Like my dad said there are other options then abortion. There is nothing or no one I hate more than abortion, if you believe that it's wrong, please donate to this cause, for my brother or sister who wasn't given a choice of life.

http://apps.facebook.com/causes/birthdays/130163?m=a198f3aa

Money Money Money!

Work is something that every person must come to at some point in their life. My experience with work started rather prematurely compared to most. As most people know I am only 14 but just last Wednesday I got my first job. I now work the counter (answering phones and ringing people up) at Franks Pizza. Franks is a local place where I live owned by a family that goes to my church . I have loved working there but the real work hasn't really started. Today is my first day I work by myself, this whole week I've been in training with Chelsea.

I'm not nervous, if anything I'm excited, I just don't know how I'm going to do. I'm sure I will do just fine but everyone has their irrational fears right? Yesterday I was so stressed out. I was already very tired because I haven't slept good in a bit and so this woman called and starts yelling at me for a mistake I didn't make and she's just being a complete bitch about everything. I handled her but then Robbin told me I needed to just give the phone to her or a waitress on duty if someone called back like that even though Melanie told me to offer them to bring it back and make them another one and then if that didn't work offer them a free one next time they came which I did I offered both and then she hung up so I couldn't give the phone to someone else.

Liam and I figured out how much money I would get in my paycheck and it's about 130 dollars. It won't be like that every week because this last week I worked every day starting Wednesday because I was in training. I'm first going to get a new phone and then put minutes on my phone, then I'm going to buy a phone with a cord. After that I will just get my paycheck as about 75.00$ a week and I will put half of it in the bank and the other half I will save until I have the amount I want for my phone and then I will use the rest to buy things I want. I'm excited about having this job because it means I'll be making more than 40 dollars a month. Now I will be making about 300.00 a month but then half of all that will go into the bank so I will have about 150 dollars a month to spend on whatever I want. I'm excited. =)

The cellphone I want is about 80.00$ and to get unlimited texts and minutes it would cost about 70.00$ which would leave me with 80.00$.

For An Impossible Torn Heart

The other day I began contemplating life and death. I started thinking of my life and how I have been living it. To be honest I haven't lived my life the way I would like to. Obviously, like anyone else, I want to do good and be a good person and not sin at all. Again, obviously, that's impossible.

I wonder what my life will end up as, if it will be like a plan (wealthy, many kids, married happily, working at home as a computer programmer) or if it will be exactly like it was been my whole life. Hopefully I can at least get the many kids and happily married down, the wealth and job I want is just an added bonus. As I was thinking of my life and what it would be like I suddenly realized that one day I WAS going to die and there was nothing I nor anyone else could do, and even though I don't want to die if I did have eternal life everyone I loved would be dead and gone and there would be no point in living any more.

The thought of death scares me because I'm afraid of forgetting everyone I love. I don't want to leave them such as my friends as they are now and my future kids and my future life. Knowing I am going to heaven makes it a little better, but I still won't want to leave them and the idea of being in heaven scares me. Will I remember who I was on earth and my friends and family that I once had that I will meet in heaven. The unknowing of death scares me more than the concept of death itself.

I do not know when I am going to die, but if everything goes according to plan I won't be dying for a very long time, which means I have time to straighten myself out. It upsets me that Liam accepts hell as his fate, there isn't really anything I can do. If Liam believe he is going to hell nothing is going to change his mind, it upsets me because I don't want him to be hurt and I'm going to heaven and I would really like to be there with him. Hopefully he, also, will straighten out before he dies.

Letters of the Heart

As most everyone knows I just got back from the beach. The beach, for the most part, was relaxing. Sometimes I got lonely and would just sit on the beach with my feet in the waves.

Very recently I read about the "Blogs of Note" I've made it my goal to eventually get on this list. Most of the people are experienced writers and some are writing about life others are writing for a specific reason. I think it would be good if I was on the list because it's no longer about the adults. In brings in a whole new view of life.

Most of the people already on the Blogs of Note are older women, if a teenager was on there it would be expressing note only the older womens opinions but also the younger ladies. I would like to make a difference in the world someday. By having many people read my blog I could make a difference. I don't know what exactly it takes to be a Blog of Note or even how to propose the idea.

In truth my goal in life is to live until I'm 100, I know it's something that i have little to no control over but still something i would like to accomplish. I know that obviously everyone has some sort of impact on the amount of people they know but I really want to make a difference in the world, not just give somebody some good advice which might put them down a better road then they were on. I want my words to make people think and teach people lessons.

I know at this time I am not the best writer in the world, but hopefully with time and the help of this blog I can achieve that goal. Writing was never something I had considered as a career. At first I wanted to be a ballerina princess, when I was 4. I then wanted to be an actress, but after I started watching crime shows where actors were getting murdered I gave up that dream. I then wanted to be a chef, that dream was taken by my older sister who after I decided I wanted to be a chef decided she did also and proceeded to have an internship with an actual chef. I then gave up on that dream.

For a while then I had no idea what I wanted to do. I began playing more online games and came to the conclusion that I wanted to become a graphic designer and make games, my all time dream being to become the CEO of Three Rings. Writing was always my sisters thing. 1st place winner in young authors every year she went to school. I can never live up to her, I've tried. I got third place in young authors poetry. I read many books, I write many things in the hopes that one day my writing will mean something to someone somewhere.

Jessica Bailey Winters

Today I'm going to attempt to dedicate a whole post to Jessica. Why? Because I can. Jessica has not always been a close friend, but she has always been a good friend. You can have millions of close friends in your life, but in my opinion it is hard to come by a good friend. Some people I would consider good friends would be Jessica, Meghann, and on a good day George.

Good friends are always looked down upon because they are one step lower then best friend. Many peoples opinion on a good friend is someone who is there for them and helps them, in my opinion a good friend is just someone we have fun with but we just can't relate to as much as a best friend. Maybe this is just because I believe that a best friend is not always a true friend. Now I know I'm confusing everyone with all these different kinds of friendship but in truth there are 5 stages of friendship: acquaintance, friend, good friend, best friend, and true friend.

An acquaintance is just someone you are comfortable talking to, maybe you know a little bit more about them then you do someone walking down the street. You aren't very close with them but enjoy hanging out with them anyways. I have a LOT of acquaintances. The only real difference between a friend and an acquaintance is how much you know about each other. Maybe you have even gone somewhere together or spent the night at each others house.

A good friend is someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, the make you laugh no matter what and they helpful and honest. If the think your hair looks bad, they're going to tell you. A best friend is someone a lot like you, maybe you've bonded over a similarity, a pain in your past or something like such.

Obviously a true friend would be at the top of the food chain. Why is a true friend so great? Because, like the saying goes, you can count your true friends in your lifetime on one hand. They are very hard to come by. They are honest and loving. You can trust them and know that they will love you and have your back no matter what you are put through. They would die for you and do anything just to see you happy. Sounds a lot like love doesn't it? That's because a true friend is someone who loves you, the love you for everything you are and they would never give up or change anything about you. To be honest I've not yet met a true friend.

Jessica, to be honest, is not a good friend to me. I barely know her, she is more of an acquaintance. Meghann and George would be what I would call good friends. I might say Darienne and Liam are my best friends. I don't know Scott very well but he was potential to be a best friend. Everyone I have mentioned in this post means a lot to me, no matter whether you are an acquaintance of me or a true friend of mine, you mean something to me, everyone and everything around me makes me who I am and that is why I choose to blog about them.

Thank you everyone in my life, without you guys I am nothing.

Disdainful Taste

Disappointment is a part of life. It is not one of the more enjoyable parts life, but seeing as it is a part of life, whether liked or not, I thought I should say something about it. Especially since so much of it has been intruding in my life recently.

Disappointment started in my life when I was born, as it does many others. In my belief, disappointment should increase with age, it should but for some people it doesn't. I was born into a poor family, in fact my mom worked at McDonalds up until about a week before I was born. (My best friend tells me this is why I love food so much). I never actually knew we were poor until later in life, my mom was very good at hiding it.

For as long as I can remember my mom and dad never were a happy couple. I vaguely even remember my dad living with us, when he was at home he never slept in the same bed as my mom, he would sleep in the recliner. The one time I actually remember my mom and dad sleeping in the same bed was the night before my 5th birthday. I slept in between them because when I was younger I never actually had my own bed. Since my dad almost never slept in the same bed as my mom I slept in her bed with her or I would sleep in my sisters beds. But the night before my 5th birthday I slept in my moms bed right in between Mommy and Daddy. When I woke up the next morning Mommy came in with a flower in a vase and gave it to me. That was one of the best birthday's I have ever had.

After a while my dad was no longer living with us but living with current girlfriends. Me being a young child who couldn't keep a secret, I would always go home and tell my mom about Daddy's new girlfriend after he asked me not to. So I suppose when my parents finally did get a divorce it was more of a relief than a disappointment.

Andrew was the first big disappointment of my teen years. I changed a lot for him just to like me, it would have been much better if he just had never asked me out, but instead he decided to ask me out so he could have a girlfriend. I was an easy target because I liked him very much. I do not regret anything but when Andrew broke up with me and I found out he never actually liked me. Big disappointment.

In truth I obviously was not disappointed when Liam asked me out but things since then, I have been disappointed with. I'm disappointed in myself for the things I do that do not live up to my standards and I am disappointed when I try to see Liam but it ends up we can't. I'm disappointed in my mother for the way she treats me and my sister for getting herself in the situation she is now in.

So yes life is full of disappointments, but if there were no disappointments in life then there would be no times to enjoy life.

Starting Over Part 2: Feed the Naked, Clothe the Hungry

During the last tidbits of 7th grade we had chosen our 8th grade class courses. I had planned on taking French like my mother and two older sisters, but Benjamin told me to take Latin because almost no one was taking French (in my opinion he just didn't want me taking French with him). So I encircled my doom and the words Latin on the sheet as I put my faith in Ben. In the end he was right. There were 13 kids in Latin and 3 in French.

Of course, with the new year came new people, or in this case, a new person. Monica was a fresh breathe of air for everyone. Or that's how she came across at first. We had known she would be attending Holy Cross for quite a while now and most of us had met her. After a while her charm wore off. People started recognizing her for who she was a rich, attention-seeking, stuck up, snobby, ugly ass, bitch.

Now don't get me wrong I loved Monica and to this day Monica is still a friend of mine and I never had a problem with her but what with the inner battle in me between the old me and new me I got lost. To my friends who hated her I pretended I hater her too but to her I liked her. After a while I told her that I had been pretending to hate her. She got mad at me. She wasn't my best friend so her leaving Holy Cross wasn't much of a loss.

At the end of 7th grade I had liked a guy, Daniel Brooker. He wasn't much but I suppose after a while I got desperate. I was done with chasing Liam and went for what I could. 8th grade started and I came to my senses. Over the summer guys were not an issue, but school started and I fell in love with Liam all over again. Unfortunately for me, Liam was still showing no interest in me. I studied hard I did good in school, but I still was not happy, I was still that little emo girl I had been in 7th grade.

You know how time just flies by and you don't know how or why anything happened and one day you just wake up and bam! it's your life? This is how the first few months of 8th grade were for me. Darienne and I became best friends, I was no longer as close as I had been to Michelle and Meghann and there was a new person in the picture of my life. I found myself growing closer and closer to Kailey Alex Baker and I don't know how it happened, before I knew it she was almost a replica of me. It was me Darienne and Kailey, the undoable trio.

We were inseparable, but I did miss Michelle and Meghann. With my new friends I pushed my loss of them aside. So my life went on, it got better by Christmas I was fairly happy. I really could go in to elaborate detail about the months from August to December but they really were unimportant and I wouldn't want to waste your time. The most important thing of this time period would be our fall retreat. This was the first time I took notice, or maybe it was the first time Liam actually started flirting with me, but in any case, this was the first time I suspected Liam might like me. We had fun that day and Liam did hang out with me more than usual, not a lot but more than usual. The thing I remember most about the fall retreat would be that this was the first time Liam smacked my butt. :) A silly memory I know, but to a girl who had dreamed of this guy from the minute she laid eyes on him, it meant a lot.

So it was the last few weeks of school before winter break. The time where everyone is in hype about Christmas and mid-terms. I sat behind Darienne, my new-found best friend, in English class. While Darienne had not always been my best friend we had been friends since we met, and I remember telling her in 7th grade that I liked Liam and then again in 8th grade. One day during English class, very near to winter break, she turned around and asked "Do you still liked Liam?", of course I said yes because I had liked Liam since I met him and never had ceased. She smiled and said "Well then I have another Christmas present for you." At the time I had no idea what she meant but in a little over a month I would find out.

Winter break is technically not a part of my 8th grade year, so I won't go into much detail, but Christmas was Christmas. I don't generally enjoy Christmas that much anymore. When you get older apparently it's harder to shop for you so they get you and your two other sisters the exact same things. The only people who buy me things I want are My mom and my sisters. It might have something to do with the fact that they've known me and lived with me for 14 years.

So Christmas and New years came and went and before I knew it school had started again. First week back: Spirit Week. Now, any sensible human being loves spirit week, they may not admit it because they're to "cool" but spirit week is the best time of the year in my opinion. We all had fun dressing up in goofy outfits, which Kailey somehow always made look really good. There wasn't much that happened on spirit week besides the life changing home coming game.I could go on and on for hours about how Liam held me in the cold and I nearly fell asleep in his arms, but this story isn't about Liam, in fact I'm attempting to make it about everyone else but Liam. They deserve a spot in my blog too without intrusions of Liam, right? Unfortunately so much of my 8th grade year revolves around Liam.

One thing i can recall about the homecoming game is Meghann, she kept begging me to come back inside with her but Liam's arms were so inviting I didn't want to. There was also Chris Barber who kept trying to hold me instead. A short scrawny boy does not get you as warm as a tall...well I'm not sure what his body type is (sexy?), but Liam made me a lot warmer than Chris and I would rather have been in Liam's than his anyway.

So basically the whole what was it, four games?, we stayed out there. Now to any smart person this would be proof that he liked me, well I'm not a smart person. To me, I assumed that Liam was using me. See the whole 8th grade year, on free dress day, I would wear a low cut shirt (see not smart) and the guys would make a game of trying to get things down my shirt, a few of them succeeded too. In fact, the day of the homecoming game I was wearing a low cut shirt, so I naturally thought Liam was just using me because I liked him and I was easy.

A few days after that I had my status as "I kind of like you a lot more than I had originally planned" he asked who I was talking about, I said who do you think and he said I can only hope. I told him it was him, and then I freaked. The next day at school I wouldn't look at him or talk to him, because I was embarrassed but I had his jacket from the game and I gave it back to him. The night after I gave it back to him I told him I missed it, he asked if I wanted it back, I said yes and he asked me out. The first thing I thought is oh my gosh Liam just asked me out and the second thing I thought was I wish he hadn't done it online.

So Liam and I were now dating, people thought we weren't going to last. So ha! we've been dating for almost 8 months!

Anyway, months passed, Valentines dance he tried to kiss me i didn't let him, two weeks later at a school social he caught me totally off guard and kissed me. I guess the thing I loved most about it was that I have a picture. This picture: and I had always imagined a kiss being like that and that was basically how my first kiss was. So again months passed, nothing interesting really happened until the play started.

The play was a fun time for me, I asked my mom to pick me up late so I could stay with my friends while they were in play practice. (I wasn't actually in the play I just watched their rehearsal and hung out with Liam.) Sometimes when Liam wasn't there I would hang out with Laura and Jessica in Mrs. Wingfields room. Jessica, is someone I would like to think of as my friend. I love Jessica, she's funny and sweet, she just always makes me laugh. First impressions are everything. Again, the first day of 7th grade, Math class, I remember Jessica asking what we were supposed to write on, Mr. Elmore said paper, she replied I know we write on paper but what do we write on? I thought she was stupid when I first met her, it turns out she is one of the top in the class, a very bright young lady if I may say so myself.

So one day, it was Me, Laura, Jessica, and Sean all sitting in Mrs. Wingfields room. Jessica and Sean were having issues. Sean would not ask her out, and she was pissed off because she wanted to date him but he wouldn't ask her out, something like that (I try to understand girls). I enjoyed hanging out with Jessica and Laura, I've always regretted, in the back of my mind, that I wasn't closer friends with them from the beginning. My uniqueness has always prevented me from being as close with Laura, Jessica, Lizzie, and Jenna as I would have liked.

I have always tried to be close with them from the start, tried and failed. Lizzie always had issues with herself, I never understood them because Lizzie is beautiful and perfect, and I have no idea what she thinks is wrong with her because, literally if I was a guy, I would be asking Lizzie out before anyone else could get to her. Yes, Lizzie has her moments of being annoying but everyone does, and it makes Lizzie who she is and I love her for that.

Laura, the closest we ever got to being friends would be her dad driving me around everywhere, Mr. and Mrs. Wingfield are a great people. I like to think of them as my second parents. Mrs. Wingfield basically filled the gap after Mrs. Leah left. So my lonely days were often filled by hanging out with these young ladies who I never had particularly known until now. So of course, they came to mean a lot to me. I suppose me becoming a teenager had kicked my maternal instincts in to gear so I love these girls in a maternal way.

All good things come to an end, the play rehearsals were over. But before that: A trip to Baltimore! The Baltimore trip meant a lot to me because of how much I did to actually go on it. At the beginning of the year, Mr. Mitchell told us we had to pay money to some fundraiser or we were off the trip. I told my mom this and she had an issue with it. I told Mr. Washington about it. After a while we worked something out and I got to go, but it took a lot of letters and meetings with Mr. Washington.

So there I was, 4 a.m. on a bus, next to my sweetheart, heading for D.C. I fell asleep fast of course. It was, after all, 4 a.m. I slept gosh until about 7a.m.? maybe. Liam was awake before me. After I woke up I watched him take some medicine and put in his contacts. It was then and there I realized my boyfriend was a nerd.

So the trip to Baltimore was awesome, the play was awesome. By this time in the year I was good enough friends with Ben to go over to his house, so I did, a few times, but his mom didn't like me over there while Liam was. It was now May, and finals were approaching fast. To be honest I really only studied for Science and Social Studies. I ended the year with a GPA of 2.9, not good nor bad.

So my eight grade year was over and it was time to graduate. The eighth grade graduation meant nothing more to me than a chance to say goodbye. My best friend, whom I had lost as a best friend was leaving, she was going to a different school. I'm not the kind of girl to cry over something like that, but hugging Meghann goodbye after it was over and knowing that she wouldn't be back at Holy Cross, that my chance to become the friends we had once been was lost, I wanted to cry. I had told myself that I wouldn't though, and so I stopped myself.

My 8th grade year was filled with new friends, laughs, and experiences no one can ever take away from me.

Starting Over

As a pre-teen "emo" child starting over was something I needed. I was home schooled, I had lost all my friends from previous schools, and as emo wanna-be as I was, I was a very social person and needed friends to hang out with. During my home schooled epoch, I had a very limited selection of friends. I had, Kade, Nick, Katie, Carrie and Jesse. Kade was and old friend, Nick a new and Katie, Carrie, and Jesse were basically family since I had known them since birth. So in truth, Nick was my only new friend. Katie had been my best friend for the longest time but she lived an 40 minutes away from me and started hanging out with the "druggie" crowd. We grew apart. Those three, while we may not always be as close as we once were, they will always be in my heart. Kade I never hung out with we weren't very close friends and as for Nicholas, well Nick was Nick. He was one person and me being the person I am I needed more then just one friend.

Brianne had been going to Holy Cross for two years already. She never did well with home schooling and therefor, with Holy Cross being the only other option, well we had no choice. Brianne never really fit in with the other kids but she had a few friends and she loved it. So I was sick of no friends and done with home schooling. After 3 years of being home schooled I decided to go to a real school. Now transitioning from 3 years of home schooledness to actual school, well lets just say 3 years of no social life, you just can't come back from that.

So I was labeled "the new girl" or some preferred "the weird girl" I knew one girl there, a girl I never had known that well other than a few conversations together after church, so naturally it was her I clung onto. That is, until I got a message from one of "the popular girls" on myspace. Now to be honest, I did not make the best first impression. In fact, I scared everyone, but soon enough Darienne and I became friends.

I was in, people liked me, even if they were scared of me. One of my best friends, my first memory of her was the first day in Math class and she is sitting right in front of me. She turns around and grabs my TI-83 calculator and starts playing with it and then she turns back around and says "Oh, can I play with this?" I knew then that I hated her I couldn't help but think of what a bitch she was but I smiled and said I didn't mind, I was there to make friends not enemies after all. A bit later in the year while we were getting our gym bags from our home room class, I went up to Meghann, put my hand on her shoulder, looked her in the eye and said "Every gay relationship starts with a hand on the shoulder". She screamed. We became best friends.

So after a bit of pushing and pulling I had what some people might call friends. I didn't have to many friends but I had the guys. The guys weren't afraid of me and I could be my semi-self with them. Liam, ha ha. My first real memory of him I suppose would be the awkward questions in science class. As little as he did talk to me, I was happy just talking to him. He couldn't stand me and my emo self. I was an emo, outgoing, black-loving, hippy. Another fond memory I have of before he liked me was when he was in day care and I was sitting there complaining about my life and myself and he said, something and it just made me laugh. I thought he liked me then because he was apologizing he said "I'm sorry I'm not good at comforting people". By the middle of the year I had my two best friends and the only people I thought I would ever need. Michelle and Meghann.

So to end this year I had my two best friends, I was approaching normal, and that was all I needed.

Take me out to the ball game.

Today I went to a baseball game with my best friend and sister. I've never much enjoyed social events, especially in big crowds. I remember the first dance I went to at my school. I sat in the corner and cried. Those were the good days. My step dad got us the six ticket we needed, we could each invite two friends. It turns out we only invited one.

The game was like any other, I suppose. I've never had much a taste for baseball and tonight's game would only be my third I've been to in my life. Two minor league, one major league. I must say, while neither were very interesting, I enjoyed watching the Baltimore Orioles v. the New York Yankees much more than the Lynchburg Hill Cats v. The Salem Red Socks.

I don't understand the appeal of baseball games, whenever I go to one I find myself drawn away from the game to explore other activities. Tonight instead of watching the game, I joked around with my friends about the people around us. At the Orioles game I found myself talking to Liam (again with the Liam). Even though going to a major league baseball game may not be the best thing in the world I believe it to be an experience everyone must have at least once in their life.

It's one of those things that people just must do before they die. There are many things like such. For example the whole "sky diving" thing it is something that everyone feels they must do before they die. It's a classic, you see it in "The Holiday" and "The Bucket List" both about people who find out they only have so long to die therefore create lists of things they want to do before they die. In the same theory I believe that everyone must go to a major league sports game, and not some whimpy sport like golf or a tennis, a real sport like baseball or football.

Just to see these people, the people out there playing on the field that to some people heroes and to others they are family maybe even parents. Children idolize them, like some kind of gods. Just to be near within sight of someone like that, it's amazing.

So if you ever create on of these lists, or if it's just a list inside your head, makes sure to add "Go to major league game" on there. It wouldn't even hurt to do it with someone special, Major league and minor league, 2 out of 3 of those games have been with the one the only, Liam.

Can you spare me some change?

Today was the kind of day that I just didn't want to get out of bed. I awoke to a small child banging loudly on an upside down pan with a spoon. It was not the best way to start the day. Since I had tried to get to sleep for an hour after that with no success and it was raining, I decided to go for a walk. I love walking in the rain and just feeling it on my skin. It's really very relaxing.

I started thinking about when I was younger and I try to compare the things she does to the things I would have done when I was her age. I suppose banging on a pan at that age in some sense would seem appealing. I never did things like that when I was younger. I was very obedient, but only because if I was too loud or too annoying, I would get spanked. Fiona has much more leeway. My mom thinks that the way she raised us somehow made us the way we are and she's going to try to raise Fiona and Bitty differently. My mother has no preservation of our feelings. I shouldn't make my mom out as the bad guy but let's a face it, to a teenager parents are our worst enemy. All the things in my past, the things I told myself I was never going to do, they all seem like such small niches in the greater scheme of things. To myself at a younger age, it seemed very important to me to do only good but as an older teenager all I want to do is bad. Things change, people change. In truth all it is is adolescence but as a person yes, I have changed.

I have a fear of change, it's one of the few things I am actually afraid of. I have changes very much so in the past 4 years of my life. I started at 10 as a selfish, conceited, brat. As soon as I met Brandon (around age 11) I became very self conscious. I was also no longer the little girl that wanted to grow up and be a princess whose favorite color was pink no, instead I was the tripp pants, chains, and black. I hated pink I hated who I was and who I used to be I hated everything. (Surprisingly I was rather happy during this time of my life, maybe because I was loved). That stage lasted for about two years, or a little less, because then I started attending Holy Cross. The people there changed me, I was happy I had friends, I stopped cutting, suddenly wearing black wasn't a necessity for me.

And there was Liam. Yes I know we've heard a lot about Liam, but he does play a very big part in my life. I must say I was infatuated if not in love with Liam from the minute I laid eyes on him, now I'm not kidding about that either. I thought he was very handsome and I wanted him. With time, and change I got him. I am now a toned down, emotional version of my 10 year old self. People may not love me for it but the respect me for who i am. I have very few friends but many acquaintances. I can live with that because the friends I do have are all I need at the moment.

The reason I am so scared of change, at least change in personality, is because I do not want to lose people by me changing. It has happened before and I know it can and probably will happen again. losing people I love is another one of my few but very serious fears. I couldn't stand it. I'm most scared of changing and losing Liam. I think the previous blog posts speak for themselves on why. All in all change is going to happen no matter what, it's all apart of the plan and you just have to go with the flow because, in my opinion, it's probably for the better.

My Never

I love Liam, I love him a lot. Everyone knows that, and if they don't they should. I'm confused. With Liam I'm happy, I've never been happier in my life, and I mean that, but when I'm not with him it's like my heart has dropped to the floor and all I can do is drag it along with me, it's so heavy. I'm sad because I'm not with him, all I can do is think about him, all the things we have done together and such. :)
I wish I could be with him every second of every day. I never thought I would be here, like this. Him and me together, in love. Back then it was all just a fantasy, but my fantasy has become a reality. My life has never been right and I'm lost because I'm used to just accept that life sucked but now, suddenly, life is wonderful and I love it and it's confusing because I've never accepted that life could be as good as it is now, and now that it's like it is it's....mesmerizing.
I never want this time of my life to end because it feels so good I can't nor do I want to let this go. MY need for happiness is so overwhelming and now that I have happiness I need it more than ever. When I didn't have happiness it was not crucial to have happiness in bad times because it was how life was. Life sucked that was that but now that I know there's something better I want it non-stop, I need it, I need Liam.
I'm even more confused because I didn't want to be the one to fall in love like this. I wanted to be the headstrong person that could throw him away whenever I wanted to and he would come crawling back no matter what but it wouldn't matter because I never needed him like he needs me. It's so different from what I had expected. I'm not me when I'm without him, I've always wanted someone to say those words about me but instead I find myself saying things like that about him all the time. This isn't the way it was planned to be but it's the way it is and I love it. I would never do anything that would make him even consider breaking up with me because, God, just to think about life without Liam hurts like a bitch.
I must apologize because I push him away. I do it subconsciously, I trust people so much that I don't trust them. That is to say that I tell people things and would like them to not share it or would like to think I can trust them but I don't expect them to meet my expectations. I trust Liam with me heart, but I expect him to break it. I write about it all the time. I try to explain it but the best way to say it is I love Liam.

Stupidity is Always for Sale

I think I'm obsessed with shoes. Seriously, my love of shoes is unnatural. I wish I had money so I could buy whatever I wanted. Meghann's birthday is coming up so as soon as I get money it's going to be gone again on her present. It's not easy being poor. Well I'm not generally poor I just don't have a lot of money. I would ask Grandma for some because I need new clothes, but I don't know. She's already paying for me to go to school and get new uniforms, and if Mommy can't get me lunch money I'm going to ask her for some too.
My muscles are so sore from volleyball. I'm starting to show improvement. I'm as good as any other person who has played for at least two years and I've only really played for one. I still can't overhand serve which is really making me angry. I would really kill to overhand serve like some of the other girls.
I'm just a naturally jealous person. I should like what I have more, but I really don't. I wish school would hurry up and start again because I'm getting so bored of summer, I'm ready for school to start so I can actually have something to do!
Liam is leaving...for forever. Not really, he's just going to visit his family for a long time. I probably won't really see him until school starts again. WHICH IS A MONTH AND A HALF AWAY!!! That's way to long for me to not see him. I'm going to go crazy. I'm crazy just thinking about it. I miss him just thinking about it.
He makes waking up in the morning worth while. Just so I can talk to him, or occasionally even see him. I don't see him a lot. It was harder at the beginning of the summer because I was transitioning from seeing him almost every day to seeing him once every two weeks. BIG CHANGE! I've adjusted to that I can adjust to not seeing him til school starts. I saw him today :)
I gave him a hug. I like hugging him around the waste because that way I don't have to stand on my tippy toes and I can lay my head on his chest. I like laying my head on his chest :) I also saw him Monday. I had fun. I was about to cry when he told me he was going to visit his family and I wouldn't see him for a while. Go ahead you can think I'm stupid but you have no idea what it's like to go a while without seeing the one you love, the one that keeps you sane, keeps your dreams happy, the one who blows your mind and keeps you wondering every other second. It's like you can't think straight and your unhappy no matter what anyone does because that one person isn't there. Now you can say I'm exaggerating and you can think whatever you want but honestly, life without Liam is almost pointless. As much as I don't want my world to revolve around him, it generally does. Now I'm not saying that if Liam died in some freak accident I would kill myself. I would be upset and lost and confused and probably would need psychiatric help for the rest of my life but I have my sisters and brother and my friends that need me. Especially my younger sisters, they're going to need me there to guide and help them and I couldn't give all that up for just one person, no matter how important to me he is because I know that if Liam died he would want me to live my life and be happy and helpful and be the best person I can be and not mope around OR kill myself.
I must say I at this moment I love no one more than Liam and Bitty. It's crazy. I'm genuinely happy. Thank you God, Bitty, and Liam.
So to wrap it up, fall in love, it's the best thing that will ever happen to you. Keep that love close and remember if you do lose it, there's more than one kind of love so don't give up just because you've lost one because another will come along eventually. It's all a part of the plan!

Wonderwall

Yesterday, after volleyball practice, I met up with the handsome and dashing Mr. Liam. We had fun, of course we went to starbucks like always. I had fun, he got me a really sweet card, and since it was so awesome I'm going to type what it said on it.


"How about this... Let's rewind to a time before our love story got so complicated. Or better yet, we could just fast-forward past it. Let's rewrite the script so that we take extra special care with each other's heart and feelings. Let's minimize the drama as much as possible and add in a few extra love scenes just to make sure the relationship is headed for a happy ending-where we're wrapped in a deep embrace whispering "I'm sorrys" and "I love yous" in between tender kisses and long looks of love...I hate it when there's tension between us and we just seem to tune out or turn each other off...Let's try to get over this. Let's start replaying the part that really matters-the love that brought us together in the first place."

Adorable, right? and all to perfect. Here's what Liam wrote.

"Audra,
I don't know how else to say it, I love you and I'm sorry for all I've done to hurt you.

Love,
Liam"

Tell me I don't have the best boyfriend ever? Well, I write about him so much that I decided it's time to write about something else for a change.

I have the craziest sisters EVER. Fiona just said "watch this!" and threw off her bathrobe and started dancing naked in front of Brianne and Chelsea. I suppose you can't expect much more from a 4 year old though. Bitty peed on the kitchen floor, my life is great. That's how my life is with a pregnant almost 18 year old, an all-to-mature-for-her-age 16 year old, me...an emotional-talkative-full-of-myself 14 year old, a tomboy-who-wants-to-be-just-like-me 4 yea old and an unpotty-trained-wants-to-be-naked-all-the-time-and-can't-be-left-out-of-anything 1 year old. My step dad works from 8pm-8am and sleeps all day. Brianne is always working or going out with Cory and I stay in my room reading all day, when I'm not reading I'm on the computer. Chelsea is really the only one who helps out with the kids when she's not baby-sitting for my dad. Which is every week Sunday-Tuesday.
I go to my dads house on Sunday every week and normally stay and help baby sit but this week I have volleyball camp which is working on volleyball skills from 9am-4pm with a one hour lunch break in between. I started using this prescribed acne stuff, I don't know whether it actually will work or not, but I guess I'll find out. I hope it does.
I haven't gotten a lot of sleep in a while. Basically ever since school started last August, I just don't sleep like I used to even though I'm tired all the time. I know it's not because I eat unhealthy because I don't eat unhealthy. Well who knows? I sure don't I guess that's just the way my family works, we're a mystery!

Near You Always

I don't know why but for some reason there is no time in my life when I am more depressed then when I am on my period. It really isn't fun, especially around holidays. Today we are celebrating the fourth of July a day early and I just can't enjoy it. Now I can't blame it entirely on my feminine adolescent issues, but for the majority it is. Last night I was upset, just upset, I suppose the Liam issue triggered it but I was really upset and didn't go to bed until 1:00am and didn't fall asleep until 3:30am.
Now I weighed myself and guess who weighs 122 lbs.? That's right, me. I know I'll get over it just like I did when I hit 100 lbs., but I looked up the average weight of myself and I should weigh 105-115 lbs. that's 7 more lbs. then I should weigh. :( I know it's just my hormones talking because I don't worry about my weight, generally. I want to see Liam, but I'm scared to see him. I don't know what he sees in me. I know he is always saying he likes me because I'm different, but I'm not really different I'm just psycho. I'm not complaining that he likes me, I just don't get it.
I may not have a true friend, but Darienne is the closest thing to one and I will take her. She really is a good friend, sometimes, when I need her.
I feel like something is wrong with my life, or like something should be wrong with it so I am speedily scanning my mind subconsciously for any faults or defects in my life that I can use to say my life is crappy. I know it's stupid, but like I said I'm doing it subconsciously, again it's the hormones. I can't wait til I'm no longer a teenager.
I believe suicide victims commit suicide because they have been disappointed one to many times. I have considered suicide occasionally, in the past even attempted it. I don't attempt it anymore because I'm waiting to see the outcome of life. I haven't been severely let down as much as some and I can still see through even the worst crimes to my happy future. When a person has been disappointed to many times, they have no hope and can't look to the future because all they see is dread and despair like their life is at the moment.
I feel the need to do something to draw attention to myself. I'm severely considering going anorexic, bulimic, cutting, or beating myself just for attention. Cutting and bulimia being the ones I would go with first. These hormones are stupid. It's them talking. I'm considering doing those things for attention because I want it. Normally, when I'm not on my period, I am perfectly fine with no attention and such but I need nothing more than it when I am. Which is why I must apologize to Liam for my upset last night. It was the hormones dear, crying for attention, not me. The love you just as much as I do.
Speaking of love, Darienne does not believe I love Liam, Chelsea does. This makes me angry. I mean she can think all she wants but to really believe it makes me angry. She doesn't know my feelings and she has no idea how my wants and needs run so how can she know if I love him or not? I mean people, such as friends and family, can only tell a persons love from the outside, such as affection but even just when they talk. Some people are more physical than mental with their relationships but the physical way a couple acts does not define their feelings for each other, only the actual feelings that only they feel do so therefore I find it impossible for anyone but the person themselves to know whether they are in love or not. An outside force can only judge the feelings, they can not know for sure. A book should never be judged by it's cover.
For anyone who believes I am not in love, please rethink this accusation. I can not make you believe but for you to believe that I am not is an insult to me. Judging is wrong under any circumstances and who are you to judge my feelings for another person. I am no science experiment I'm merely human, it's all I ever have been and all I ever will be. Love me or hate me I'll leave that decision up to you, all I ask is that you respect me as a human, and never judge me. Never judge me.

The Answer

Last night I got upset with Liam for not talking to me. Okay, now I admit I was acting stupid last night. Maybe I misinterpreted his feelings but from my point of view it seemed like he was angry with me. This makes me mad...most things Liam does just upset me but him getting angry over me being upset just makes me mad.
Now I apologize if he wasn't angry but even if he wasn't this is something he should know because he has done it before.

Why is it okay for me to be wrong and not him? If he gets upset with me I do not get angry with him because that's rude it is just an excuse for an argument and I'm not going to do that. I'm going to apologize for upsetting him.
Apparently though, if I get upset over something he does, he didn't do anything wrong, it's just me and my crazy mind looking for an excuse to be mad at him.
I will not be mad at you for no reason!! Obviously if I'm upset it's something I feel strongly about and I need to talk to him about it and not just hope it goes away. By him getting angry when I'm upset it's feeding the flame, begging for an argument to ensue. I don't want to argue with him. Another thing he needs to know is that if I'm upset and he gets angry and makes me angry, the things I say when I'm angry generally aren't the way I feel and think in the long run, it's temporary anger and it doesn't mean as much.
I'm not upset over our conversation last night because it was stupid. I guess that's all I have to say. Maybe it's just because he's a guy, guy's a prone to getting all defensive and mad when an issue like that comes up, they just aren't as sensible as women.

Hate Me.

So my week has been interesting. It all started Saturday. Let's review!

Saturday: Michael is having some issues with his leg. There's a large ugly purple spot giving him fevers. woo. Momma takes him to the doctors. IT'S A SPIDER BITE! huzzah. Mom doesn't trust me with the girls, Chelsea is going out and Bri has work. Me and the ladies get dropped off at the grandparents house. Sad but true. I spend all day there then go home with Brianne.

Sunday: I wake up and find Chelsea in her room getting ready and Brianne still asleep in her room with the babies. I get on the computer. I take a shower and get ready to go when I learn that Pater is picking us up after his church service and Mater went to the hospital to pick up Michael. Had a lovely day with Daddy, spent the night.

Monday: Boring day of baby sitting. Watched Degrassi, ate lunch, watched degrassi, read to Isaak, watched Degrassi, ate snack, Watched some of Hellboy went to bed.

Tuesday: A bit more intense day of baby sitting. Woke up, watched Degrassi, went to the park, read to Isaak, Chelsea and Sarah got in a fight, I told Sarah to go to hell, went home, ate lunch, watched Degrassi, watched the rest of Hellboy II, got in the car drove home. come home to all the power off in the house and my ps2 sitting in my room I ask Michael why it's there and he starts to explain but gets sidetracked. I go into Mommy's bedroom to find her lying on the bed in one of those moods. I say hi, ask her what's wrong and she says "We won't be able to use hot water, air conditioning, or computers for a little while." I ask how long. "five years" she replies. I go out and tell Daddy this and he offers for me to stay at his house. I go in tell Mommy Daddy needs more help with baby sitting and she says, I knew you would bail on me. I left anyway, watched some dumb ghost movie and went to bed.

Wednesday (aka today): Woke up and a quarter to 7 got driven by Daddy to Gary's house. (I love Daddy) Got there Darienne and Miss Montgomery greeted me. I stayed up for about an hour and then took a nap. Spent the day with Darienne, Annie, Mary, the ferrets, Nathan, and William (everytime I heard them say Williams name I thought the said Liam). I ate a what would have been lovely dinner if it weren't for the fact that I ate so much I was gagging as I took the last bite of my ice cream Sunday. Picked up a movie and now I am back at Dariennes house where I took a nice long shower, very relaxing. Darienne is being the bestest friend ever. I am now going to watch a omvie with my best friend and then hopefully sleep peacefully until tomorrow when I go home.


See, my mother, when she texted me, seemed to be sane, but afterbeing yelled at for abandoning them when we were having money issues, it doens't really make me want to go home. What she doesn't get is I wasn't leaving because we were having money issues and would have to make some changes, I was leaving because of the way she was acting about it.
Keep your friends close you never know when you'll need them, Darienne has always been there for me ESPECIALLY when I need her the most, like now.

"Hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me for all the things I didn't do for you."

The Joker

People really don't appreciate the life they have been given enough. I'm always complaining because my life isn't good enough for me and someone is always upsetting me. My life is so great compared to some peoples. There are kids out there who don't have it as good as me.
For Liam, I shouldn't complain about him because a lot of people would be lucky to find a relationship like mine and his especially at our age. I do consider myself lucky, I'm just scared. I don't really complain about Liam so much as worry. I know he says that he's never going to leave me and he never will love anyone but me, but I've seen so many hearts break that I guess I'm just waiting in line for my heart to break. What we have now is nice, I like it and I'm not going to try to end it, that's the last thing in the world I want, I just know deep down in my heart we won't be together forever, and it makes me so unhappy, it's not him that makes me unhappy, it's just my fear of being away from him that makes me unhappy. Maybe that's why whenever he is not with me it is near impossible for me to be happy. Not impossible but believe me, rare.
I do trust him, I guess I just don't trust him not to leave me. All I can do is pray that we won't break up and I do, I pray a lot that we won't break up. This feeling is so good I don't want it to ever end. I can't be unhappy when he's there with me, it's the greatest thing I've ever felt. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but as I said I've seen many hearts break.
The reason I believe we won't be together forever is because I don't believe I love him, I want to so badly but, I've never been in love, only liked guys a lot, I like Liam a lot more than I've liked any other guys, I just say I love you to them because I don't know what else to say when they tell me that they love me. I really really like Liam and I believe he loves me because, not to sound self-centered or anything but, I have a lot of guys in love with me.
Maybe Liam should consider himself lucky because honestly I could have a lot of other guys but I picked him, but in the same way I know there's a lot of girls that like Liam, a lot of my friends, and he could have any one of them but he picked me. God I remember when Darienne liked him and she was thinking of acting on it. If she had dated him I would have butchered her, no joke. I would hate her forever, I would hate anyone forever. Unfortunately I hate every girl he's every liked. Okay hate is a strong word, but I want them nowhere near him because obviously he liked them before what's stopping him from liking them again.
That completely contradicts my fear of him leaving me. I'm scared he'll leave me because people change but I'm sitting here scared he's going to start liking a girl he's liked before but PEOPLE CHANGE. Let's just face it: I'm stupid.

I don't know what to say because I have everything to say and not enough time in the world to say it...

I feel so...vulnerable and helpless. I don't know what it is. I really really miss Liam and it's eating me up inside and it hurts and all I can do is sit around and cry because even when I'm preoccupying my time hanging out with friends or reading and such he's still there in my mind, and I miss him.
I'm so sick of loving him. Nobody gets it. They're all pissed off at me for talking about him so much and all I'm doing is making everyone including myself hate me. I don't know if that makes sense but I'm annoying my friends by loving him and I'm mad at myself because I should be smarter than that to fall in love with a guy, I'm only 14.
Love isn't easy, it hurts, he's not even doing anything to hurt me I just miss him so much that it hurts more than anything has ever hurt physically or mentally before. All I want is to talk to him, and I can't even have that...he's so busy and I feel pitiful for my whole life being him. Okay, so he's not my whole life but he makes up most of it and I wish it was the same way for him, I guess I don't know what it's like for him.
Is it stupid to be this upset just because I haven't talked to him in two days? I say yes, but I'm so miserable and I can't help it, I don't want to be, I want to go to sleep and not wake up until I can see him again. I guess I'm not in my right mind right now, but I just can't think of anything else it's driving me crazy!

The quiet scares me because it screams the truth.

I suppose, in one sense, you could say my life is perfect. Some people would. I'm outgoing, pretty, I have a steady relationship, friends, and an upbeat personality. I'm sorry to be the one to burst their bubble, but everyone has their problems. Anyone who thinks my life is wonderful, is severely mistaken.
Now I'm not saying my life is the worst they come, but I'm not saying it's the best either. Yes, I am attractive, outgoing, I have a steady relationship, wonderful boyfriend, and friends, but I'm also conceded, selfish, mean, rude, bitchy, negative, and don't even think for a second that my relationship is effortless. Everybody has their problems, their downfalls.
I only see myself for my problems, I sometimes wish to be the complete opposite of myself because I only look at the negatives in me. I suppose, in a way that's the answer to how I learn to love myself, look at the positive instead of the negatives. It all seems so simple and yet I never realized it until now.
I try so hard to be different from everyone else, I go out of my way, in the end it's pointless because it's inevitable to be nothing like everyone else. The worse thing is, now I'm complaining because there isn't anyone like me. I would like someone to be like me so I can have someone to talk to who understands me, someone who's been where I've been and can tell me what I need to do to get over it. I get so tired of listening to myself cry sometimes. The closest person to me I know of is Brianne, but our world views are so different. I tried talking to her about Liam and she told me I needed to learn how to manipulate him to do what I wanted him to do. I went along but I just felt like saying, that's not me. I don't want to manipulate him, I don't own him, I don't want him to be a robot.
I always learn a little something about myself with each blog entry I post. I suppose today I've learned how to love myself, it will probably take me another month to put into process though. For example. I found out a while ago what I needed to change to fit Liam but, maybe it was him being away, I didn't put it into play until last week. I guess I just realized that I wasn't happy and I didn't want Liam to change that I was going to have to do something about my attitude. I'm trying it out.
I'm happy Liam and I are together, I'm pretty sure anyone who's ever read my blog understands the effort we both put into our relationship, we give 100%. I know Liam and I won't be together forever, I'd like to think we will, but we won't. The time I spend with him is....like no other. I love talking to Liam, I love doing...*ahem other stuff too, but sometimes I actually prefer just sitting and talking with him. Now, I know as horny as he is all the time he probably thinks as that last sentence as bull shit because I honestly doubt he'd rather sit and talk with me, not that that is a bad thing. Don't get me wrong I love both.
It's like yesterday, I felt so important. Liam doesn't talk I think everyone who's ever met him knows that, he generally keeps to himself, but yesterday he would not shut up! It makes me love him even more. Call me crazy, but sometimes when he's being annoying like that I find it..attractive in an odd way. I suppose it's like, sometimes guys think it's hot when a girl acts all cute, in the same way, when Liam is being annoying and joking around, it's cute, so it's hot. I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE, I just like my boys little ^.^ (why else would I be dating Liam).
Just kidding.
Liam, I love you, that's plain fact so anyone who ever thinks differently can suck my big fat nonexistent cock.
Sorry for such a long post, I talk so much sometimes. That's another thing I'm trying to handle. I've been saying a lot of people secrets lately, this was the reason for the title of my post. I'm a bad friend, because I tell about other peoples shit, to people it sometimes does and sometimes doesn't concern. It's a selfish thing. I do it because I'm scared that if I'm quiet for even a second people will figure me out. It scares me because I don't even know myself.

"I don't want to be the girl who has to fill the silence, the quiet scares me cause it screams the truth."

Nothing more, nothing less.

This is the way I feel about my life. It's worthless. I recently read a book about a girl who committed suicide and the 13 reasons why. It really got me thinking of my life and what my life was worth in this world.
I know that if I did commit suicide it would be for totally different reasons than Hannah did. Ever since she had moved to her new town she had a reputation, a bad one, started by her very first kiss.
See, where they had their first kiss was a park, so after that night he went to all his friends and bragged, but he didn't tell them that they kissed, he told them much more interesting, much more sexual version which never happened. It started a reputation for her, guys thought she was easy, the snowball effect.
No, if I were to kill myself, it would be for much different reasons. I see my life as pointless. I want to do something great with my life but I never get the opportunities, or maybe I have and just missed them. All in all I suppose that's irrelevant. I have no friends, I face that fact because it's true. I know what you're all thinking. Everybody loves you Audra, you have so many people here for you, to talk to you that are just waiting for the chance to reach out and help you.
Wrong.
Everybody likes to be liked, it feels even better to be loved. I am no more than liked. Surprisingly, the only person I've felt loved by is my father, and that love was returned whole-heartedly. My dad hasn't made the best choices, but he knows that.
He admits his mistakes, he apologizes, and he tries. That is more love than I've ever gotten from anyone in my life. My mother tries, she tries hard, but she can't admit that she's wrong. Every time she chooses my step dad over me I just wish I could tell her....
tell her what happened, tell her how it's hurting me, it isn't fair to me, but being the nice person I am, my mouth stays shut, for her happiness, not for their happiness.
I don't mean enough to someone to mean enough to the world. There is no meaning to my life, then why do I keep living it? Because beneath all the nonexistent meaning, there's love. I may not be as loved as I would like to be, but I have a heart full of love, love for my fake friends, love for my family, love for my boy friend, love for even the people I hate.
There's some people in this world I couldn't live without. So maybe this means my life does have meaning and maybe it doesn't. I'll let you decide.
My life is nothing more and nothing less than just another life.

Thoughts of You

This week is going by much to slow for my taste. It's only Wednesday and Liam won't be back until Saturday. I really miss him :/
It's like certain songs or things just make me think of him, weird things too. Like last night this song came on the movie I was watching, Big Fish, when he's being born and it just made me think of Liam. And Monday I was starting a bath and it made me think of Liam for some reason. I hope he is allowed to come to the beach with me. It's not like we'll be spending the night it's just a day trip. I think there's a chance but I don't know.
He needs to come over and watch Big Fish, it's so good and he needs to come swimming too. I'm planning things in my head, it's keeping me sane through the week. I'm kind of scared though, last year I went away for a week on vacation and got back and got broken up with. I guess you couldn't really call Andrew a boy friend, it kind of takes liking on both parts to actually be in a relationship plus actually talking and hanging out. I think I saw him twice while we were not together and talked to him on the computer maybe 5 times.
So more or less, I miss him. I wish he would hurry up and get home. I really need to talk to him. I know him being gone is a good thing, but I'm done with it, and I want him to come back. I just need him.
I hope he's having a good time, ha it's his family he probably is having a good time the way he talks about them. I wish I talked about my family like he does, I talk bad about my family a lot and I really shouldn't because I do love them, even Clara.
I wish I could say something right now but I can't. I just, I miss him. A lot.

I Want To Be Your Perfect Stick of Glue

Summer has started. So far it sucks, but it's only Sunday. I got into a....disagreement? (if that's the right word) with Liam. It was very upsetting... VERY you don't even understand how upset I was about it. I wouldn't eat. But I realized that while it upset me, it was not the end of the world and life goes on whether or whether not Liam is here with me to comfort and talk to me 24/7.
He told me I needed myself more than I needed him... I don't really understand what that means, but I can't help but know he's right. I'm trying to sort things out in my head, and it's kind of working, and I'm getting better on my own. I need to show myself that some things are okay and some things just aren't acceptable and I don't have to flaunt the fact that I don't care what people think of me by being rude and embarrassing. I just totally botched spelling embarrassing....thank God for spell check.
Speaking of God. He's playing a major part in my life at the moment. I know Liam says I need myself but I really think I need God. I've started praying more just I start out telling myself it will all be okay then I start talking to God about my problems and such. The other night I couldn't sleep so I just started talking to God and I asked him to make me go to sleep because I was extremely upset and I fell asleep. I know me not being able to see Liam every day this summer is going to help with the whole "I want you to hang out with me more" thing. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but it makes sense to me. I hope that if Liam and I do ever break up, which most likely we will, we can still be really good friends.
My mom gets all nosey whenever I'm upset. (Quote=Kitsie)NOSEY PEOPLE SHOULD STAY AT HOME AND TALK TO THEIR KATS!!!(unquote)
She thinks I'm going to break up with Liam or he's going to break up with me. Like today I was like I need to go somewhere and have a talk with Liam and she was like you're not dumping him are you? I was just like no are you crazy? and she's like good I like you guys as a couple and I was just like oh but he's still not my boyfriend? Yea...she hasn't accepted that little fact yet. She doesn't want us to break up and she thinks we're a cute couple....but we aren't dating?

"I want to be your perfect stick of glue but I don't feel perfect at all sad and insecure flaw"

Famous Last Words

The only way I believe I can forgive him is if he doesn't do it again. I don't know, I feel like I'm the bad guy if I ask that of him though.
We have exams this week. I think I'm going to pass at least Science and Social studies. I really don't feel that great about anything else. Maybe by an act of God I will pass Latin. My study guide for science is 12 pages long. I started typing it when we got home at 1 and I just now finished. Wow my fingers are going to die and fall off, and now I'm typing more with this.
Friday I had a conversation with myself. I talked about what was wrong with me and why I didn't like myself and I just tried to figure things out. I only came up with one conclusion. Chelsea's right, it's just because I'm a teenage girl, but everything is so confusing to me. I don't understand myself or anything and it's really frustrating. I talked about Liam, I said some things I wouldn't even tell Liam, or anyone just because I'm afraid if anyone heard it I'm afraid it might come true and I don't want it to come true. I'm so emotional at the moment, people should watch out. I hope I'm not still on my period at the pool party, that would suck. I think I'm just going to wear shorts with my swim top. I know Chelsea said she likes the bottoms with the top but I don't....Ug my head hurts.

I taught Liam sign language!

I swear to God almighty in heaven if Liam does that nose thing one more fucking time I am going to shred his balls! Good god! It's so annoying... I mean it's cute and all but seriously I do LIKE to be kissed!
He better pass his exams or I will hurt him. OBEY CHILD! He needs to learn how to listen and get his horny little mind out of the gutter. But I love him.
I really should be studying for my exams. Or I'm going to fail. I think I'll go do that while he's doing his math. Good little boy! My mom thinks I'm 60% soiled.... what does that even mean?
Today I got my present from Ryan. It was a sample of Sexy little things perfume and lotion and a Coach purse. A REAL Coach purse. I mean like those things are fucking expensive!
My daddy is calling my mommy. Actually I think he's calling for me... He's inviting Me to go to the beach. And take Liam...I wonder how his parents would feel about that. I love daddykins! If Liams parents would let him that would be the best present EVER! But if they won't then Daddy said we could fill up maybe 3 or 4 cars with all my friends and drive up to cave mountain lake and have a cookout and party up there! Have I mentioned that I love Daddy? Chelsea's probably jealous... eh :/
Well this should be fun!!! I don't think I'll mention it to Liam until later though... I don't know how his parents will feel. Pray that he can...even though I honestly doubt it....maybe his Mom could come with it's not like we'd be spending the night or something and I love Miss Roach! PLEASE GOD!

IDK!!

I feel like the worlds biggest shit hole for being mad at him. I know he messed up but really I shouldn't have asked. I hate that I'm making him feel bad because I don't want him to feel bad, I want him to be happy and I'm afraid that I can't make him happy if I keep acting like this. It isn't okay that he did this, I don't know when I'll forgive him but it doesn't make me resent him or any less mad at him. I still love him, even for the mistakes he makes. It doesn't help that Darienne is sticking her big nose in trying to find out what all this is about. I'm way to trusting of people but I know that I can never tell anyone this.
I'm really hurt and it sucks because I don't have anyone to share my pain with. It's impossible for me to even be mad at him because, he's just so amazing. He's so funny and just looking at him makes me smile but all the time I'm fighting both sides of a civil war inside of me.
He wants me to blame him, but I don't want to be mad at him. But I'm already upset. I want to hit him so hard that tears will come into his eyes like they did mine but I'm scared to even say something to him about it. I don't want to lose him. I've wanted him for so long and now that I have him I'm so afraid that one wrong move by me will have him gone quicker than my heart beats when he's around. I feel like I need space from him so I can finally get my head on straight but I know that the second I'm away from him my life is worthless and pointless.
Maybe the approaching summer is a good thing. I'm scared though. I don't want to have to go without not seeing him everyday, it's what keeps me partially sane. I get out of bed every morning knowing that I get to go see him, what's going to wake me up in the summer. Memories of him are great but are nothing compared to what it's like when I'm with him. I guess I need to trust him to still love me even if he doesn't see me every second and trust myself to not make him my life, which I mostly already have.
He's hurt me but my heart is still in tact. I'm in pain, but it isn't so great that I can not feel. I know he loves me. I know he made that decision, as stupid as it was, without thinking I would get hurt. I forgive him partially because he never meant to hurt me, but he did and he never should have done it in the first place. I do blame myself but it's only so I don't want to make him angry. I know he's upset, but he shouldn't be or maybe he should. He needs to make it right. I don't know how but I know he does and just apologizing profusely isn't going to make it right. I have to know he is actually sorry and see that things are different.
It hurts me so much that he would do that.. I keep saying that. No one understands the pain I'm in. what he did I can forgive with change and time but at this moment, it hurts me to much. Why forgive someone if I'm still in pain?
Unfortunately he'll probably read this....I love him. I love spending time with him, I love when he's annoying and I love when he drives me crazy.
Like today he would not kiss me. He'd go like he was going to kiss me and then just rub noses. Oh my word it drove me INSANE I was about to freak out. I don't know how he does it but it's amazing. I love it. I love him.
I shouldn't be jealous of him for his natural talents...but seriously honey, i tried.
That's all I'm going to say on that matter.
I'm willing to forgive him if he's willing to show me he's sorry. I know what he did is something he can never change but as I said before I love him for everything his goods his bads AND his mistakes.

Disenchanted

So today I found out something...something I didn't want to know but already sort of knew. I wish I could be more specific but now that people actually read my blog I can't.
This thing tears me up inside, I don't know if anyone would understand why but it hurts. I know he loves me but if he loves me why does he need that? Aren't I good enough? Apparently not as good as he's made me out to be. I don't want to be this upset about it because I shouldn't and I know if I make a big to do about it he'll never be able to trust me with anything. It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough so he's got to go and get it somewhere else. Maybe if he's going to that then I don't need to do anything because he's got all he needs with it. I know this sounds stupid but I feel like I've been cheated on or something. Wouldn't you in my situation.
And somehow in all this I can't help but feel guilty and angry at myself.
Guilty because I'm obviously not doing good enough and angry at myself for letting this upset because I really have no right whatsoever to be upset.
Sometimes I think life would be so much more easy if I just didn't care. I want to lash out at him and scream at him because it hurts me so much but at the same time I want to shut my mouth and keep to myself because it makes him happy. Ever since I've met him I just don't know what I want anymore.
I don't know what I hate I don't know what I love, I'm just so confused about everything and it's all overwhelming because it's like one huge mess in my mind that is impossible to sort. I need psychiatric help. I'm probably mentally crazy.
That's one of my fears. I fear that I have an undiagnosed mental disease.
It's just so hard for me to really think about things. It's all just jumbled up into emotions.
I'm so angry, and I don't know if I'm angry at him or me I'm just angry. I'm angry at us both! I'm just I don't know! I'm sad and hurt and disappointed and I wish he had never done that but I wish I'd never known, but it would be so much better if he just hadn't done that because I can't tell him not to do it because then I'm not being a very good girlfriend.
I just want him to know that I love him and if that's what he chooses I can live with that just as he's lived with me and I don't want him to stop doing ANYTHING he enjoys just for the sake of my happiness. I especially don't want him to lie to me under any circumstances. I'd rather be hurt by the truth than be happy and have him lie to me. I'm so confused. Can anyone help me?

Please Don't Leave Me

I solved my problem. Kind of. Woo! anyway.
So I told someone about Sunday......I got lectured. It made me really angry, if I had wanted to be lectured I would have told my mother. It made me very angry. I told her I wouldn't do it again, but fuck her I'll do it again all I want. It's my body and my choice and she needs to shut the fuck up because I love Liam. I wish she would stop telling me I don't. She doesn't know what goes on inside my head or how I feel.
I don't know if I love him. I feel like I do. If love is still being attracted to him when he has snot running down his face and even if he threw up on me or something absolutely disgusting I'm still attracted to and just can't get enough of him. Maybe that's gross, but I need him no matter what he does. I know that there is almost no chance that we will get married and live happily ever after but I can't help but dream of it and want it. I know I shouldn't set myself up for disappointment but I already have and it's to late to turn around. I'm letting him love me and loving him more and more each day. I know that it's so cliche to say these things but I just don't have a very abstract imagination.
Life without Liam is like a metronome with no tick. It's pointless. I know I shouldn't revolve my life around him but I do. I can't help it. He makes me love him, I wish I didn't and at the same time I wish I could love him more. Every time I see him I just have the need to touch him. My life was nothing until I met him and I need him. I need him so unbelievably much. I've said things in the past about death but they're lies. I could never commit suicide because I can't imagine ever being without him. I would do anything to see him happy. I can't believe I've been so selfish to let myself get upset over something that makes him happy. I only hope and pray we'll last forever but all good things come to an end. It scares me, and maybe that's why I don't want to let him love me. Maybe that's why I'm afraid to let people know that I love him. I wish I could live in the moment but I can't.
Please God never let us separate. If he ever walked out of my life I couldn't live. I wouldn't want to. I love him but I want and need him too. If only all life stories had a happy ever after.


(this is the guy I'm supposed to be in love with)

Come Back

Today was good. No today was amazing, the time I spent with Liam could not have been better. But now that I'm home, I sort of have an issue. I can't say because it's embarrassing but it hurts and it needs to stop. :(
I love Liam a lot, it's insane. I love Darienne too. I wish I could tell her about today but that would be.....yea....
Well I don't have a lot to say. I need to actually have a picture with Liam. I think there's only like two of him and I together in existence and only one where we're actually pretending to like each other.
I'm in a lot of pain... :( I wish I knew what was wrong, because it's really starting to freak me out.
Someone I need help....I'm googling it trying to find out what's wrong but...eh :(

Solitaire

So basically more or less I hate solitaire. It's stupid, pointless, and hard. Normally I like hard things but not this kind of hard. I wish it would die a slow painful and lonely death.

The Loves of my Life:
Whenever someone thinks of the love of their life they usually think about their significant other. In this case the two loves of my life are my two younger sisters: Fiona and Bitty.

Bitty:
Bitty is the youngest of my sisters that lives with me. She is the most adorable child I have ever seen. She is so outgoing and independent, she follows in Chelseas footsteps mostly. She's very girly, she loves trying on pretty shoes (her first word). She loves to sing and dance. I've never met anyone who does not right off the bat love Bitty to bits and pieces.


Fiona:
Fiona is the exact opposite of Bitty, more like me. She's selfish, throws tantrums and is very bossy. She's a little tomboy. She hates dresses or anything and buys most of her clothes from the boys section. She's the smartest child I've ever known, she's only 4 and already reading. She's kind of self conscious but she is perfect the way she is.

Lock-In

The lock-in was AMAZING! I didn't want to go home. I think we should have stayed another day. There should be like a 3 day sleepover that seniors have or something. That would be really cool.[
So at the beginning I was a little pissed off because Liam was just off doing his own thing, but I think that's mostly because I was tired...at 11 o'clock, ha ha. So I went in to play rock band 2 with some people and then here's the stupid thing, I come into the gym and it's just Liam and Michelle and so I start kicking the ball, and a few minutes later Liam was just like I'm going to go play rock band now and that pissed me off so much it was like gee thanks after I have been waiting to even say something to you for three hours now I'm here and you're going to leave, that makes me feel wonderful..but I talked to him about it.
So then I sort of kind of not really played soccer with my sexy shirtless lesbian man, it was awesome. I tripped and like flipped and spun...it was epic, but then all these girls and a few guys came in to play volleyball so we left and I won't elaborate but he tried to wake me up several ways, some of which worked more than others but none really woke me up.
Then we played this stupid group shit thingy and I basically hated it. I was so pissed off because I didn't want to do it, then we kind of failed at a soccer tournament. So we went back to rock band and I attempted to sleep but I asked Liam to try and keep me awake, ha ha he was so funny, I love that man. The we had breakfast, I seriously think we were like high or something when we ate breakfast me and my huge banana (no joke it was abnormally large) and then we went and sat on the couch until parents picked us up, he didn't say bye to me...I guess I'm okay with that but I was pretty sure hugs had never hurt anybody. I then laid on Meghann while she combed through my hair and Wyatt laid down on me and we slept until our parents got there, it as funny because all of our parents got there at once. And then I slept, until two..and here I am as existent as ever. I really don't want to be existent right now, life kind of sucks without Liam here with me, I miss him. :(

Liam

It's his fault. I have nothing to say.
Die my lesbian sexy beast, die.