The Joker

People really don't appreciate the life they have been given enough. I'm always complaining because my life isn't good enough for me and someone is always upsetting me. My life is so great compared to some peoples. There are kids out there who don't have it as good as me.
For Liam, I shouldn't complain about him because a lot of people would be lucky to find a relationship like mine and his especially at our age. I do consider myself lucky, I'm just scared. I don't really complain about Liam so much as worry. I know he says that he's never going to leave me and he never will love anyone but me, but I've seen so many hearts break that I guess I'm just waiting in line for my heart to break. What we have now is nice, I like it and I'm not going to try to end it, that's the last thing in the world I want, I just know deep down in my heart we won't be together forever, and it makes me so unhappy, it's not him that makes me unhappy, it's just my fear of being away from him that makes me unhappy. Maybe that's why whenever he is not with me it is near impossible for me to be happy. Not impossible but believe me, rare.
I do trust him, I guess I just don't trust him not to leave me. All I can do is pray that we won't break up and I do, I pray a lot that we won't break up. This feeling is so good I don't want it to ever end. I can't be unhappy when he's there with me, it's the greatest thing I've ever felt. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but as I said I've seen many hearts break.
The reason I believe we won't be together forever is because I don't believe I love him, I want to so badly but, I've never been in love, only liked guys a lot, I like Liam a lot more than I've liked any other guys, I just say I love you to them because I don't know what else to say when they tell me that they love me. I really really like Liam and I believe he loves me because, not to sound self-centered or anything but, I have a lot of guys in love with me.
Maybe Liam should consider himself lucky because honestly I could have a lot of other guys but I picked him, but in the same way I know there's a lot of girls that like Liam, a lot of my friends, and he could have any one of them but he picked me. God I remember when Darienne liked him and she was thinking of acting on it. If she had dated him I would have butchered her, no joke. I would hate her forever, I would hate anyone forever. Unfortunately I hate every girl he's every liked. Okay hate is a strong word, but I want them nowhere near him because obviously he liked them before what's stopping him from liking them again.
That completely contradicts my fear of him leaving me. I'm scared he'll leave me because people change but I'm sitting here scared he's going to start liking a girl he's liked before but PEOPLE CHANGE. Let's just face it: I'm stupid.

I don't know what to say because I have everything to say and not enough time in the world to say it...

I feel so...vulnerable and helpless. I don't know what it is. I really really miss Liam and it's eating me up inside and it hurts and all I can do is sit around and cry because even when I'm preoccupying my time hanging out with friends or reading and such he's still there in my mind, and I miss him.
I'm so sick of loving him. Nobody gets it. They're all pissed off at me for talking about him so much and all I'm doing is making everyone including myself hate me. I don't know if that makes sense but I'm annoying my friends by loving him and I'm mad at myself because I should be smarter than that to fall in love with a guy, I'm only 14.
Love isn't easy, it hurts, he's not even doing anything to hurt me I just miss him so much that it hurts more than anything has ever hurt physically or mentally before. All I want is to talk to him, and I can't even have that...he's so busy and I feel pitiful for my whole life being him. Okay, so he's not my whole life but he makes up most of it and I wish it was the same way for him, I guess I don't know what it's like for him.
Is it stupid to be this upset just because I haven't talked to him in two days? I say yes, but I'm so miserable and I can't help it, I don't want to be, I want to go to sleep and not wake up until I can see him again. I guess I'm not in my right mind right now, but I just can't think of anything else it's driving me crazy!

The quiet scares me because it screams the truth.

I suppose, in one sense, you could say my life is perfect. Some people would. I'm outgoing, pretty, I have a steady relationship, friends, and an upbeat personality. I'm sorry to be the one to burst their bubble, but everyone has their problems. Anyone who thinks my life is wonderful, is severely mistaken.
Now I'm not saying my life is the worst they come, but I'm not saying it's the best either. Yes, I am attractive, outgoing, I have a steady relationship, wonderful boyfriend, and friends, but I'm also conceded, selfish, mean, rude, bitchy, negative, and don't even think for a second that my relationship is effortless. Everybody has their problems, their downfalls.
I only see myself for my problems, I sometimes wish to be the complete opposite of myself because I only look at the negatives in me. I suppose, in a way that's the answer to how I learn to love myself, look at the positive instead of the negatives. It all seems so simple and yet I never realized it until now.
I try so hard to be different from everyone else, I go out of my way, in the end it's pointless because it's inevitable to be nothing like everyone else. The worse thing is, now I'm complaining because there isn't anyone like me. I would like someone to be like me so I can have someone to talk to who understands me, someone who's been where I've been and can tell me what I need to do to get over it. I get so tired of listening to myself cry sometimes. The closest person to me I know of is Brianne, but our world views are so different. I tried talking to her about Liam and she told me I needed to learn how to manipulate him to do what I wanted him to do. I went along but I just felt like saying, that's not me. I don't want to manipulate him, I don't own him, I don't want him to be a robot.
I always learn a little something about myself with each blog entry I post. I suppose today I've learned how to love myself, it will probably take me another month to put into process though. For example. I found out a while ago what I needed to change to fit Liam but, maybe it was him being away, I didn't put it into play until last week. I guess I just realized that I wasn't happy and I didn't want Liam to change that I was going to have to do something about my attitude. I'm trying it out.
I'm happy Liam and I are together, I'm pretty sure anyone who's ever read my blog understands the effort we both put into our relationship, we give 100%. I know Liam and I won't be together forever, I'd like to think we will, but we won't. The time I spend with him is....like no other. I love talking to Liam, I love doing...*ahem other stuff too, but sometimes I actually prefer just sitting and talking with him. Now, I know as horny as he is all the time he probably thinks as that last sentence as bull shit because I honestly doubt he'd rather sit and talk with me, not that that is a bad thing. Don't get me wrong I love both.
It's like yesterday, I felt so important. Liam doesn't talk I think everyone who's ever met him knows that, he generally keeps to himself, but yesterday he would not shut up! It makes me love him even more. Call me crazy, but sometimes when he's being annoying like that I find it..attractive in an odd way. I suppose it's like, sometimes guys think it's hot when a girl acts all cute, in the same way, when Liam is being annoying and joking around, it's cute, so it's hot. I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE, I just like my boys little ^.^ (why else would I be dating Liam).
Just kidding.
Liam, I love you, that's plain fact so anyone who ever thinks differently can suck my big fat nonexistent cock.
Sorry for such a long post, I talk so much sometimes. That's another thing I'm trying to handle. I've been saying a lot of people secrets lately, this was the reason for the title of my post. I'm a bad friend, because I tell about other peoples shit, to people it sometimes does and sometimes doesn't concern. It's a selfish thing. I do it because I'm scared that if I'm quiet for even a second people will figure me out. It scares me because I don't even know myself.

"I don't want to be the girl who has to fill the silence, the quiet scares me cause it screams the truth."

Nothing more, nothing less.

This is the way I feel about my life. It's worthless. I recently read a book about a girl who committed suicide and the 13 reasons why. It really got me thinking of my life and what my life was worth in this world.
I know that if I did commit suicide it would be for totally different reasons than Hannah did. Ever since she had moved to her new town she had a reputation, a bad one, started by her very first kiss.
See, where they had their first kiss was a park, so after that night he went to all his friends and bragged, but he didn't tell them that they kissed, he told them much more interesting, much more sexual version which never happened. It started a reputation for her, guys thought she was easy, the snowball effect.
No, if I were to kill myself, it would be for much different reasons. I see my life as pointless. I want to do something great with my life but I never get the opportunities, or maybe I have and just missed them. All in all I suppose that's irrelevant. I have no friends, I face that fact because it's true. I know what you're all thinking. Everybody loves you Audra, you have so many people here for you, to talk to you that are just waiting for the chance to reach out and help you.
Wrong.
Everybody likes to be liked, it feels even better to be loved. I am no more than liked. Surprisingly, the only person I've felt loved by is my father, and that love was returned whole-heartedly. My dad hasn't made the best choices, but he knows that.
He admits his mistakes, he apologizes, and he tries. That is more love than I've ever gotten from anyone in my life. My mother tries, she tries hard, but she can't admit that she's wrong. Every time she chooses my step dad over me I just wish I could tell her....
tell her what happened, tell her how it's hurting me, it isn't fair to me, but being the nice person I am, my mouth stays shut, for her happiness, not for their happiness.
I don't mean enough to someone to mean enough to the world. There is no meaning to my life, then why do I keep living it? Because beneath all the nonexistent meaning, there's love. I may not be as loved as I would like to be, but I have a heart full of love, love for my fake friends, love for my family, love for my boy friend, love for even the people I hate.
There's some people in this world I couldn't live without. So maybe this means my life does have meaning and maybe it doesn't. I'll let you decide.
My life is nothing more and nothing less than just another life.

Thoughts of You

This week is going by much to slow for my taste. It's only Wednesday and Liam won't be back until Saturday. I really miss him :/
It's like certain songs or things just make me think of him, weird things too. Like last night this song came on the movie I was watching, Big Fish, when he's being born and it just made me think of Liam. And Monday I was starting a bath and it made me think of Liam for some reason. I hope he is allowed to come to the beach with me. It's not like we'll be spending the night it's just a day trip. I think there's a chance but I don't know.
He needs to come over and watch Big Fish, it's so good and he needs to come swimming too. I'm planning things in my head, it's keeping me sane through the week. I'm kind of scared though, last year I went away for a week on vacation and got back and got broken up with. I guess you couldn't really call Andrew a boy friend, it kind of takes liking on both parts to actually be in a relationship plus actually talking and hanging out. I think I saw him twice while we were not together and talked to him on the computer maybe 5 times.
So more or less, I miss him. I wish he would hurry up and get home. I really need to talk to him. I know him being gone is a good thing, but I'm done with it, and I want him to come back. I just need him.
I hope he's having a good time, ha it's his family he probably is having a good time the way he talks about them. I wish I talked about my family like he does, I talk bad about my family a lot and I really shouldn't because I do love them, even Clara.
I wish I could say something right now but I can't. I just, I miss him. A lot.

I Want To Be Your Perfect Stick of Glue

Summer has started. So far it sucks, but it's only Sunday. I got into a....disagreement? (if that's the right word) with Liam. It was very upsetting... VERY you don't even understand how upset I was about it. I wouldn't eat. But I realized that while it upset me, it was not the end of the world and life goes on whether or whether not Liam is here with me to comfort and talk to me 24/7.
He told me I needed myself more than I needed him... I don't really understand what that means, but I can't help but know he's right. I'm trying to sort things out in my head, and it's kind of working, and I'm getting better on my own. I need to show myself that some things are okay and some things just aren't acceptable and I don't have to flaunt the fact that I don't care what people think of me by being rude and embarrassing. I just totally botched spelling embarrassing....thank God for spell check.
Speaking of God. He's playing a major part in my life at the moment. I know Liam says I need myself but I really think I need God. I've started praying more just I start out telling myself it will all be okay then I start talking to God about my problems and such. The other night I couldn't sleep so I just started talking to God and I asked him to make me go to sleep because I was extremely upset and I fell asleep. I know me not being able to see Liam every day this summer is going to help with the whole "I want you to hang out with me more" thing. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but it makes sense to me. I hope that if Liam and I do ever break up, which most likely we will, we can still be really good friends.
My mom gets all nosey whenever I'm upset. (Quote=Kitsie)NOSEY PEOPLE SHOULD STAY AT HOME AND TALK TO THEIR KATS!!!(unquote)
She thinks I'm going to break up with Liam or he's going to break up with me. Like today I was like I need to go somewhere and have a talk with Liam and she was like you're not dumping him are you? I was just like no are you crazy? and she's like good I like you guys as a couple and I was just like oh but he's still not my boyfriend? Yea...she hasn't accepted that little fact yet. She doesn't want us to break up and she thinks we're a cute couple....but we aren't dating?

"I want to be your perfect stick of glue but I don't feel perfect at all sad and insecure flaw"