Today I'm going to attempt to dedicate a whole post to Jessica. Why? Because I can. Jessica has not always been a close friend, but she has always been a good friend. You can have millions of close friends in your life, but in my opinion it is hard to come by a good friend. Some people I would consider good friends would be Jessica, Meghann, and on a good day George.
Good friends are always looked down upon because they are one step lower then best friend. Many peoples opinion on a good friend is someone who is there for them and helps them, in my opinion a good friend is just someone we have fun with but we just can't relate to as much as a best friend. Maybe this is just because I believe that a best friend is not always a true friend. Now I know I'm confusing everyone with all these different kinds of friendship but in truth there are 5 stages of friendship: acquaintance, friend, good friend, best friend, and true friend.
An acquaintance is just someone you are comfortable talking to, maybe you know a little bit more about them then you do someone walking down the street. You aren't very close with them but enjoy hanging out with them anyways. I have a LOT of acquaintances. The only real difference between a friend and an acquaintance is how much you know about each other. Maybe you have even gone somewhere together or spent the night at each others house.
A good friend is someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, the make you laugh no matter what and they helpful and honest. If the think your hair looks bad, they're going to tell you. A best friend is someone a lot like you, maybe you've bonded over a similarity, a pain in your past or something like such.
Obviously a true friend would be at the top of the food chain. Why is a true friend so great? Because, like the saying goes, you can count your true friends in your lifetime on one hand. They are very hard to come by. They are honest and loving. You can trust them and know that they will love you and have your back no matter what you are put through. They would die for you and do anything just to see you happy. Sounds a lot like love doesn't it? That's because a true friend is someone who loves you, the love you for everything you are and they would never give up or change anything about you. To be honest I've not yet met a true friend.
Jessica, to be honest, is not a good friend to me. I barely know her, she is more of an acquaintance. Meghann and George would be what I would call good friends. I might say Darienne and Liam are my best friends. I don't know Scott very well but he was potential to be a best friend. Everyone I have mentioned in this post means a lot to me, no matter whether you are an acquaintance of me or a true friend of mine, you mean something to me, everyone and everything around me makes me who I am and that is why I choose to blog about them.
Thank you everyone in my life, without you guys I am nothing.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Disdainful Taste
Disappointment is a part of life. It is not one of the more enjoyable parts life, but seeing as it is a part of life, whether liked or not, I thought I should say something about it. Especially since so much of it has been intruding in my life recently.
Disappointment started in my life when I was born, as it does many others. In my belief, disappointment should increase with age, it should but for some people it doesn't. I was born into a poor family, in fact my mom worked at McDonalds up until about a week before I was born. (My best friend tells me this is why I love food so much). I never actually knew we were poor until later in life, my mom was very good at hiding it.
For as long as I can remember my mom and dad never were a happy couple. I vaguely even remember my dad living with us, when he was at home he never slept in the same bed as my mom, he would sleep in the recliner. The one time I actually remember my mom and dad sleeping in the same bed was the night before my 5th birthday. I slept in between them because when I was younger I never actually had my own bed. Since my dad almost never slept in the same bed as my mom I slept in her bed with her or I would sleep in my sisters beds. But the night before my 5th birthday I slept in my moms bed right in between Mommy and Daddy. When I woke up the next morning Mommy came in with a flower in a vase and gave it to me. That was one of the best birthday's I have ever had.
After a while my dad was no longer living with us but living with current girlfriends. Me being a young child who couldn't keep a secret, I would always go home and tell my mom about Daddy's new girlfriend after he asked me not to. So I suppose when my parents finally did get a divorce it was more of a relief than a disappointment.
Andrew was the first big disappointment of my teen years. I changed a lot for him just to like me, it would have been much better if he just had never asked me out, but instead he decided to ask me out so he could have a girlfriend. I was an easy target because I liked him very much. I do not regret anything but when Andrew broke up with me and I found out he never actually liked me. Big disappointment.
In truth I obviously was not disappointed when Liam asked me out but things since then, I have been disappointed with. I'm disappointed in myself for the things I do that do not live up to my standards and I am disappointed when I try to see Liam but it ends up we can't. I'm disappointed in my mother for the way she treats me and my sister for getting herself in the situation she is now in.
So yes life is full of disappointments, but if there were no disappointments in life then there would be no times to enjoy life.
Disappointment started in my life when I was born, as it does many others. In my belief, disappointment should increase with age, it should but for some people it doesn't. I was born into a poor family, in fact my mom worked at McDonalds up until about a week before I was born. (My best friend tells me this is why I love food so much). I never actually knew we were poor until later in life, my mom was very good at hiding it.
For as long as I can remember my mom and dad never were a happy couple. I vaguely even remember my dad living with us, when he was at home he never slept in the same bed as my mom, he would sleep in the recliner. The one time I actually remember my mom and dad sleeping in the same bed was the night before my 5th birthday. I slept in between them because when I was younger I never actually had my own bed. Since my dad almost never slept in the same bed as my mom I slept in her bed with her or I would sleep in my sisters beds. But the night before my 5th birthday I slept in my moms bed right in between Mommy and Daddy. When I woke up the next morning Mommy came in with a flower in a vase and gave it to me. That was one of the best birthday's I have ever had.
After a while my dad was no longer living with us but living with current girlfriends. Me being a young child who couldn't keep a secret, I would always go home and tell my mom about Daddy's new girlfriend after he asked me not to. So I suppose when my parents finally did get a divorce it was more of a relief than a disappointment.
Andrew was the first big disappointment of my teen years. I changed a lot for him just to like me, it would have been much better if he just had never asked me out, but instead he decided to ask me out so he could have a girlfriend. I was an easy target because I liked him very much. I do not regret anything but when Andrew broke up with me and I found out he never actually liked me. Big disappointment.
In truth I obviously was not disappointed when Liam asked me out but things since then, I have been disappointed with. I'm disappointed in myself for the things I do that do not live up to my standards and I am disappointed when I try to see Liam but it ends up we can't. I'm disappointed in my mother for the way she treats me and my sister for getting herself in the situation she is now in.
So yes life is full of disappointments, but if there were no disappointments in life then there would be no times to enjoy life.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Starting Over Part 2: Feed the Naked, Clothe the Hungry
During the last tidbits of 7th grade we had chosen our 8th grade class courses. I had planned on taking French like my mother and two older sisters, but Benjamin told me to take Latin because almost no one was taking French (in my opinion he just didn't want me taking French with him). So I encircled my doom and the words Latin on the sheet as I put my faith in Ben. In the end he was right. There were 13 kids in Latin and 3 in French.
Of course, with the new year came new people, or in this case, a new person. Monica was a fresh breathe of air for everyone. Or that's how she came across at first. We had known she would be attending Holy Cross for quite a while now and most of us had met her. After a while her charm wore off. People started recognizing her for who she was a rich, attention-seeking, stuck up, snobby, ugly ass, bitch.
Now don't get me wrong I loved Monica and to this day Monica is still a friend of mine and I never had a problem with her but what with the inner battle in me between the old me and new me I got lost. To my friends who hated her I pretended I hater her too but to her I liked her. After a while I told her that I had been pretending to hate her. She got mad at me. She wasn't my best friend so her leaving Holy Cross wasn't much of a loss.
At the end of 7th grade I had liked a guy, Daniel Brooker. He wasn't much but I suppose after a while I got desperate. I was done with chasing Liam and went for what I could. 8th grade started and I came to my senses. Over the summer guys were not an issue, but school started and I fell in love with Liam all over again. Unfortunately for me, Liam was still showing no interest in me. I studied hard I did good in school, but I still was not happy, I was still that little emo girl I had been in 7th grade.
You know how time just flies by and you don't know how or why anything happened and one day you just wake up and bam! it's your life? This is how the first few months of 8th grade were for me. Darienne and I became best friends, I was no longer as close as I had been to Michelle and Meghann and there was a new person in the picture of my life. I found myself growing closer and closer to Kailey Alex Baker and I don't know how it happened, before I knew it she was almost a replica of me. It was me Darienne and Kailey, the undoable trio.
We were inseparable, but I did miss Michelle and Meghann. With my new friends I pushed my loss of them aside. So my life went on, it got better by Christmas I was fairly happy. I really could go in to elaborate detail about the months from August to December but they really were unimportant and I wouldn't want to waste your time. The most important thing of this time period would be our fall retreat. This was the first time I took notice, or maybe it was the first time Liam actually started flirting with me, but in any case, this was the first time I suspected Liam might like me. We had fun that day and Liam did hang out with me more than usual, not a lot but more than usual. The thing I remember most about the fall retreat would be that this was the first time Liam smacked my butt. :) A silly memory I know, but to a girl who had dreamed of this guy from the minute she laid eyes on him, it meant a lot.
So it was the last few weeks of school before winter break. The time where everyone is in hype about Christmas and mid-terms. I sat behind Darienne, my new-found best friend, in English class. While Darienne had not always been my best friend we had been friends since we met, and I remember telling her in 7th grade that I liked Liam and then again in 8th grade. One day during English class, very near to winter break, she turned around and asked "Do you still liked Liam?", of course I said yes because I had liked Liam since I met him and never had ceased. She smiled and said "Well then I have another Christmas present for you." At the time I had no idea what she meant but in a little over a month I would find out.
Winter break is technically not a part of my 8th grade year, so I won't go into much detail, but Christmas was Christmas. I don't generally enjoy Christmas that much anymore. When you get older apparently it's harder to shop for you so they get you and your two other sisters the exact same things. The only people who buy me things I want are My mom and my sisters. It might have something to do with the fact that they've known me and lived with me for 14 years.
So Christmas and New years came and went and before I knew it school had started again. First week back: Spirit Week. Now, any sensible human being loves spirit week, they may not admit it because they're to "cool" but spirit week is the best time of the year in my opinion. We all had fun dressing up in goofy outfits, which Kailey somehow always made look really good. There wasn't much that happened on spirit week besides the life changing home coming game.I could go on and on for hours about how Liam held me in the cold and I nearly fell asleep in his arms, but this story isn't about Liam, in fact I'm attempting to make it about everyone else but Liam. They deserve a spot in my blog too without intrusions of Liam, right? Unfortunately so much of my 8th grade year revolves around Liam.
One thing i can recall about the homecoming game is Meghann, she kept begging me to come back inside with her but Liam's arms were so inviting I didn't want to. There was also Chris Barber who kept trying to hold me instead. A short scrawny boy does not get you as warm as a tall...well I'm not sure what his body type is (sexy?), but Liam made me a lot warmer than Chris and I would rather have been in Liam's than his anyway.
So basically the whole what was it, four games?, we stayed out there. Now to any smart person this would be proof that he liked me, well I'm not a smart person. To me, I assumed that Liam was using me. See the whole 8th grade year, on free dress day, I would wear a low cut shirt (see not smart) and the guys would make a game of trying to get things down my shirt, a few of them succeeded too. In fact, the day of the homecoming game I was wearing a low cut shirt, so I naturally thought Liam was just using me because I liked him and I was easy.
A few days after that I had my status as "I kind of like you a lot more than I had originally planned" he asked who I was talking about, I said who do you think and he said I can only hope. I told him it was him, and then I freaked. The next day at school I wouldn't look at him or talk to him, because I was embarrassed but I had his jacket from the game and I gave it back to him. The night after I gave it back to him I told him I missed it, he asked if I wanted it back, I said yes and he asked me out. The first thing I thought is oh my gosh Liam just asked me out and the second thing I thought was I wish he hadn't done it online.
So Liam and I were now dating, people thought we weren't going to last. So ha! we've been dating for almost 8 months!
Anyway, months passed, Valentines dance he tried to kiss me i didn't let him, two weeks later at a school social he caught me totally off guard and kissed me. I guess the thing I loved most about it was that I have a picture. This picture:
and I had always imagined a kiss being like that and that was basically how my first kiss was. So again months passed, nothing interesting really happened until the play started.
The play was a fun time for me, I asked my mom to pick me up late so I could stay with my friends while they were in play practice. (I wasn't actually in the play I just watched their rehearsal and hung out with Liam.) Sometimes when Liam wasn't there I would hang out with Laura and Jessica in Mrs. Wingfields room. Jessica, is someone I would like to think of as my friend. I love Jessica, she's funny and sweet, she just always makes me laugh. First impressions are everything. Again, the first day of 7th grade, Math class, I remember Jessica asking what we were supposed to write on, Mr. Elmore said paper, she replied I know we write on paper but what do we write on? I thought she was stupid when I first met her, it turns out she is one of the top in the class, a very bright young lady if I may say so myself.
So one day, it was Me, Laura, Jessica, and Sean all sitting in Mrs. Wingfields room. Jessica and Sean were having issues. Sean would not ask her out, and she was pissed off because she wanted to date him but he wouldn't ask her out, something like that (I try to understand girls). I enjoyed hanging out with Jessica and Laura, I've always regretted, in the back of my mind, that I wasn't closer friends with them from the beginning. My uniqueness has always prevented me from being as close with Laura, Jessica, Lizzie, and Jenna as I would have liked.
I have always tried to be close with them from the start, tried and failed. Lizzie always had issues with herself, I never understood them because Lizzie is beautiful and perfect, and I have no idea what she thinks is wrong with her because, literally if I was a guy, I would be asking Lizzie out before anyone else could get to her. Yes, Lizzie has her moments of being annoying but everyone does, and it makes Lizzie who she is and I love her for that.
Laura, the closest we ever got to being friends would be her dad driving me around everywhere, Mr. and Mrs. Wingfield are a great people. I like to think of them as my second parents. Mrs. Wingfield basically filled the gap after Mrs. Leah left. So my lonely days were often filled by hanging out with these young ladies who I never had particularly known until now. So of course, they came to mean a lot to me. I suppose me becoming a teenager had kicked my maternal instincts in to gear so I love these girls in a maternal way.
All good things come to an end, the play rehearsals were over. But before that: A trip to Baltimore! The Baltimore trip meant a lot to me because of how much I did to actually go on it. At the beginning of the year, Mr. Mitchell told us we had to pay money to some fundraiser or we were off the trip. I told my mom this and she had an issue with it. I told Mr. Washington about it. After a while we worked something out and I got to go, but it took a lot of letters and meetings with Mr. Washington.
So there I was, 4 a.m. on a bus, next to my sweetheart, heading for D.C. I fell asleep fast of course. It was, after all, 4 a.m. I slept gosh until about 7a.m.? maybe. Liam was awake before me. After I woke up I watched him take some medicine and put in his contacts. It was then and there I realized my boyfriend was a nerd.
So the trip to Baltimore was awesome, the play was awesome. By this time in the year I was good enough friends with Ben to go over to his house, so I did, a few times, but his mom didn't like me over there while Liam was. It was now May, and finals were approaching fast. To be honest I really only studied for Science and Social Studies. I ended the year with a GPA of 2.9, not good nor bad.
So my eight grade year was over and it was time to graduate. The eighth grade graduation meant nothing more to me than a chance to say goodbye. My best friend, whom I had lost as a best friend was leaving, she was going to a different school. I'm not the kind of girl to cry over something like that, but hugging Meghann goodbye after it was over and knowing that she wouldn't be back at Holy Cross, that my chance to become the friends we had once been was lost, I wanted to cry. I had told myself that I wouldn't though, and so I stopped myself.
My 8th grade year was filled with new friends, laughs, and experiences no one can ever take away from me.
Of course, with the new year came new people, or in this case, a new person. Monica was a fresh breathe of air for everyone. Or that's how she came across at first. We had known she would be attending Holy Cross for quite a while now and most of us had met her. After a while her charm wore off. People started recognizing her for who she was a rich, attention-seeking, stuck up, snobby, ugly ass, bitch.
Now don't get me wrong I loved Monica and to this day Monica is still a friend of mine and I never had a problem with her but what with the inner battle in me between the old me and new me I got lost. To my friends who hated her I pretended I hater her too but to her I liked her. After a while I told her that I had been pretending to hate her. She got mad at me. She wasn't my best friend so her leaving Holy Cross wasn't much of a loss.
At the end of 7th grade I had liked a guy, Daniel Brooker. He wasn't much but I suppose after a while I got desperate. I was done with chasing Liam and went for what I could. 8th grade started and I came to my senses. Over the summer guys were not an issue, but school started and I fell in love with Liam all over again. Unfortunately for me, Liam was still showing no interest in me. I studied hard I did good in school, but I still was not happy, I was still that little emo girl I had been in 7th grade.
You know how time just flies by and you don't know how or why anything happened and one day you just wake up and bam! it's your life? This is how the first few months of 8th grade were for me. Darienne and I became best friends, I was no longer as close as I had been to Michelle and Meghann and there was a new person in the picture of my life. I found myself growing closer and closer to Kailey Alex Baker and I don't know how it happened, before I knew it she was almost a replica of me. It was me Darienne and Kailey, the undoable trio.
We were inseparable, but I did miss Michelle and Meghann. With my new friends I pushed my loss of them aside. So my life went on, it got better by Christmas I was fairly happy. I really could go in to elaborate detail about the months from August to December but they really were unimportant and I wouldn't want to waste your time. The most important thing of this time period would be our fall retreat. This was the first time I took notice, or maybe it was the first time Liam actually started flirting with me, but in any case, this was the first time I suspected Liam might like me. We had fun that day and Liam did hang out with me more than usual, not a lot but more than usual. The thing I remember most about the fall retreat would be that this was the first time Liam smacked my butt. :) A silly memory I know, but to a girl who had dreamed of this guy from the minute she laid eyes on him, it meant a lot.
So it was the last few weeks of school before winter break. The time where everyone is in hype about Christmas and mid-terms. I sat behind Darienne, my new-found best friend, in English class. While Darienne had not always been my best friend we had been friends since we met, and I remember telling her in 7th grade that I liked Liam and then again in 8th grade. One day during English class, very near to winter break, she turned around and asked "Do you still liked Liam?", of course I said yes because I had liked Liam since I met him and never had ceased. She smiled and said "Well then I have another Christmas present for you." At the time I had no idea what she meant but in a little over a month I would find out.
Winter break is technically not a part of my 8th grade year, so I won't go into much detail, but Christmas was Christmas. I don't generally enjoy Christmas that much anymore. When you get older apparently it's harder to shop for you so they get you and your two other sisters the exact same things. The only people who buy me things I want are My mom and my sisters. It might have something to do with the fact that they've known me and lived with me for 14 years.
So Christmas and New years came and went and before I knew it school had started again. First week back: Spirit Week. Now, any sensible human being loves spirit week, they may not admit it because they're to "cool" but spirit week is the best time of the year in my opinion. We all had fun dressing up in goofy outfits, which Kailey somehow always made look really good. There wasn't much that happened on spirit week besides the life changing home coming game.I could go on and on for hours about how Liam held me in the cold and I nearly fell asleep in his arms, but this story isn't about Liam, in fact I'm attempting to make it about everyone else but Liam. They deserve a spot in my blog too without intrusions of Liam, right? Unfortunately so much of my 8th grade year revolves around Liam.
One thing i can recall about the homecoming game is Meghann, she kept begging me to come back inside with her but Liam's arms were so inviting I didn't want to. There was also Chris Barber who kept trying to hold me instead. A short scrawny boy does not get you as warm as a tall...well I'm not sure what his body type is (sexy?), but Liam made me a lot warmer than Chris and I would rather have been in Liam's than his anyway.
So basically the whole what was it, four games?, we stayed out there. Now to any smart person this would be proof that he liked me, well I'm not a smart person. To me, I assumed that Liam was using me. See the whole 8th grade year, on free dress day, I would wear a low cut shirt (see not smart) and the guys would make a game of trying to get things down my shirt, a few of them succeeded too. In fact, the day of the homecoming game I was wearing a low cut shirt, so I naturally thought Liam was just using me because I liked him and I was easy.
A few days after that I had my status as "I kind of like you a lot more than I had originally planned" he asked who I was talking about, I said who do you think and he said I can only hope. I told him it was him, and then I freaked. The next day at school I wouldn't look at him or talk to him, because I was embarrassed but I had his jacket from the game and I gave it back to him. The night after I gave it back to him I told him I missed it, he asked if I wanted it back, I said yes and he asked me out. The first thing I thought is oh my gosh Liam just asked me out and the second thing I thought was I wish he hadn't done it online.
So Liam and I were now dating, people thought we weren't going to last. So ha! we've been dating for almost 8 months!
Anyway, months passed, Valentines dance he tried to kiss me i didn't let him, two weeks later at a school social he caught me totally off guard and kissed me. I guess the thing I loved most about it was that I have a picture. This picture:
and I had always imagined a kiss being like that and that was basically how my first kiss was. So again months passed, nothing interesting really happened until the play started. The play was a fun time for me, I asked my mom to pick me up late so I could stay with my friends while they were in play practice. (I wasn't actually in the play I just watched their rehearsal and hung out with Liam.) Sometimes when Liam wasn't there I would hang out with Laura and Jessica in Mrs. Wingfields room. Jessica, is someone I would like to think of as my friend. I love Jessica, she's funny and sweet, she just always makes me laugh. First impressions are everything. Again, the first day of 7th grade, Math class, I remember Jessica asking what we were supposed to write on, Mr. Elmore said paper, she replied I know we write on paper but what do we write on? I thought she was stupid when I first met her, it turns out she is one of the top in the class, a very bright young lady if I may say so myself.
So one day, it was Me, Laura, Jessica, and Sean all sitting in Mrs. Wingfields room. Jessica and Sean were having issues. Sean would not ask her out, and she was pissed off because she wanted to date him but he wouldn't ask her out, something like that (I try to understand girls). I enjoyed hanging out with Jessica and Laura, I've always regretted, in the back of my mind, that I wasn't closer friends with them from the beginning. My uniqueness has always prevented me from being as close with Laura, Jessica, Lizzie, and Jenna as I would have liked.
I have always tried to be close with them from the start, tried and failed. Lizzie always had issues with herself, I never understood them because Lizzie is beautiful and perfect, and I have no idea what she thinks is wrong with her because, literally if I was a guy, I would be asking Lizzie out before anyone else could get to her. Yes, Lizzie has her moments of being annoying but everyone does, and it makes Lizzie who she is and I love her for that.
Laura, the closest we ever got to being friends would be her dad driving me around everywhere, Mr. and Mrs. Wingfield are a great people. I like to think of them as my second parents. Mrs. Wingfield basically filled the gap after Mrs. Leah left. So my lonely days were often filled by hanging out with these young ladies who I never had particularly known until now. So of course, they came to mean a lot to me. I suppose me becoming a teenager had kicked my maternal instincts in to gear so I love these girls in a maternal way.
All good things come to an end, the play rehearsals were over. But before that: A trip to Baltimore! The Baltimore trip meant a lot to me because of how much I did to actually go on it. At the beginning of the year, Mr. Mitchell told us we had to pay money to some fundraiser or we were off the trip. I told my mom this and she had an issue with it. I told Mr. Washington about it. After a while we worked something out and I got to go, but it took a lot of letters and meetings with Mr. Washington.
So there I was, 4 a.m. on a bus, next to my sweetheart, heading for D.C. I fell asleep fast of course. It was, after all, 4 a.m. I slept gosh until about 7a.m.? maybe. Liam was awake before me. After I woke up I watched him take some medicine and put in his contacts. It was then and there I realized my boyfriend was a nerd.
So the trip to Baltimore was awesome, the play was awesome. By this time in the year I was good enough friends with Ben to go over to his house, so I did, a few times, but his mom didn't like me over there while Liam was. It was now May, and finals were approaching fast. To be honest I really only studied for Science and Social Studies. I ended the year with a GPA of 2.9, not good nor bad.
So my eight grade year was over and it was time to graduate. The eighth grade graduation meant nothing more to me than a chance to say goodbye. My best friend, whom I had lost as a best friend was leaving, she was going to a different school. I'm not the kind of girl to cry over something like that, but hugging Meghann goodbye after it was over and knowing that she wouldn't be back at Holy Cross, that my chance to become the friends we had once been was lost, I wanted to cry. I had told myself that I wouldn't though, and so I stopped myself.
My 8th grade year was filled with new friends, laughs, and experiences no one can ever take away from me.
Starting Over
As a pre-teen "emo" child starting over was something I needed. I was home schooled, I had lost all my friends from previous schools, and as emo wanna-be as I was, I was a very social person and needed friends to hang out with. During my home schooled epoch, I had a very limited selection of friends. I had, Kade, Nick, Katie, Carrie and Jesse. Kade was and old friend, Nick a new and Katie, Carrie, and Jesse were basically family since I had known them since birth. So in truth, Nick was my only new friend. Katie had been my best friend for the longest time but she lived an 40 minutes away from me and started hanging out with the "druggie" crowd. We grew apart. Those three, while we may not always be as close as we once were, they will always be in my heart. Kade I never hung out with we weren't very close friends and as for Nicholas, well Nick was Nick. He was one person and me being the person I am I needed more then just one friend.
Brianne had been going to Holy Cross for two years already. She never did well with home schooling and therefor, with Holy Cross being the only other option, well we had no choice. Brianne never really fit in with the other kids but she had a few friends and she loved it. So I was sick of no friends and done with home schooling. After 3 years of being home schooled I decided to go to a real school. Now transitioning from 3 years of home schooledness to actual school, well lets just say 3 years of no social life, you just can't come back from that.
So I was labeled "the new girl" or some preferred "the weird girl" I knew one girl there, a girl I never had known that well other than a few conversations together after church, so naturally it was her I clung onto. That is, until I got a message from one of "the popular girls" on myspace. Now to be honest, I did not make the best first impression. In fact, I scared everyone, but soon enough Darienne and I became friends.
I was in, people liked me, even if they were scared of me. One of my best friends, my first memory of her was the first day in Math class and she is sitting right in front of me. She turns around and grabs my TI-83 calculator and starts playing with it and then she turns back around and says "Oh, can I play with this?" I knew then that I hated her I couldn't help but think of what a bitch she was but I smiled and said I didn't mind, I was there to make friends not enemies after all. A bit later in the year while we were getting our gym bags from our home room class, I went up to Meghann, put my hand on her shoulder, looked her in the eye and said "Every gay relationship starts with a hand on the shoulder". She screamed. We became best friends.
So after a bit of pushing and pulling I had what some people might call friends. I didn't have to many friends but I had the guys. The guys weren't afraid of me and I could be my semi-self with them. Liam, ha ha. My first real memory of him I suppose would be the awkward questions in science class. As little as he did talk to me, I was happy just talking to him. He couldn't stand me and my emo self. I was an emo, outgoing, black-loving, hippy. Another fond memory I have of before he liked me was when he was in day care and I was sitting there complaining about my life and myself and he said, something and it just made me laugh. I thought he liked me then because he was apologizing he said "I'm sorry I'm not good at comforting people". By the middle of the year I had my two best friends and the only people I thought I would ever need. Michelle and Meghann.
So to end this year I had my two best friends, I was approaching normal, and that was all I needed.
Brianne had been going to Holy Cross for two years already. She never did well with home schooling and therefor, with Holy Cross being the only other option, well we had no choice. Brianne never really fit in with the other kids but she had a few friends and she loved it. So I was sick of no friends and done with home schooling. After 3 years of being home schooled I decided to go to a real school. Now transitioning from 3 years of home schooledness to actual school, well lets just say 3 years of no social life, you just can't come back from that.
So I was labeled "the new girl" or some preferred "the weird girl" I knew one girl there, a girl I never had known that well other than a few conversations together after church, so naturally it was her I clung onto. That is, until I got a message from one of "the popular girls" on myspace. Now to be honest, I did not make the best first impression. In fact, I scared everyone, but soon enough Darienne and I became friends.
I was in, people liked me, even if they were scared of me. One of my best friends, my first memory of her was the first day in Math class and she is sitting right in front of me. She turns around and grabs my TI-83 calculator and starts playing with it and then she turns back around and says "Oh, can I play with this?" I knew then that I hated her I couldn't help but think of what a bitch she was but I smiled and said I didn't mind, I was there to make friends not enemies after all. A bit later in the year while we were getting our gym bags from our home room class, I went up to Meghann, put my hand on her shoulder, looked her in the eye and said "Every gay relationship starts with a hand on the shoulder". She screamed. We became best friends.
So after a bit of pushing and pulling I had what some people might call friends. I didn't have to many friends but I had the guys. The guys weren't afraid of me and I could be my semi-self with them. Liam, ha ha. My first real memory of him I suppose would be the awkward questions in science class. As little as he did talk to me, I was happy just talking to him. He couldn't stand me and my emo self. I was an emo, outgoing, black-loving, hippy. Another fond memory I have of before he liked me was when he was in day care and I was sitting there complaining about my life and myself and he said, something and it just made me laugh. I thought he liked me then because he was apologizing he said "I'm sorry I'm not good at comforting people". By the middle of the year I had my two best friends and the only people I thought I would ever need. Michelle and Meghann.
So to end this year I had my two best friends, I was approaching normal, and that was all I needed.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Take me out to the ball game.
Today I went to a baseball game with my best friend and sister. I've never much enjoyed social events, especially in big crowds. I remember the first dance I went to at my school. I sat in the corner and cried. Those were the good days. My step dad got us the six ticket we needed, we could each invite two friends. It turns out we only invited one.
The game was like any other, I suppose. I've never had much a taste for baseball and tonight's game would only be my third I've been to in my life. Two minor league, one major league. I must say, while neither were very interesting, I enjoyed watching the Baltimore Orioles v. the New York Yankees much more than the Lynchburg Hill Cats v. The Salem Red Socks.
I don't understand the appeal of baseball games, whenever I go to one I find myself drawn away from the game to explore other activities. Tonight instead of watching the game, I joked around with my friends about the people around us. At the Orioles game I found myself talking to Liam (again with the Liam). Even though going to a major league baseball game may not be the best thing in the world I believe it to be an experience everyone must have at least once in their life.
It's one of those things that people just must do before they die. There are many things like such. For example the whole "sky diving" thing it is something that everyone feels they must do before they die. It's a classic, you see it in "The Holiday" and "The Bucket List" both about people who find out they only have so long to die therefore create lists of things they want to do before they die. In the same theory I believe that everyone must go to a major league sports game, and not some whimpy sport like golf or a tennis, a real sport like baseball or football.
Just to see these people, the people out there playing on the field that to some people heroes and to others they are family maybe even parents. Children idolize them, like some kind of gods. Just to be near within sight of someone like that, it's amazing.
So if you ever create on of these lists, or if it's just a list inside your head, makes sure to add "Go to major league game" on there. It wouldn't even hurt to do it with someone special, Major league and minor league, 2 out of 3 of those games have been with the one the only, Liam.
The game was like any other, I suppose. I've never had much a taste for baseball and tonight's game would only be my third I've been to in my life. Two minor league, one major league. I must say, while neither were very interesting, I enjoyed watching the Baltimore Orioles v. the New York Yankees much more than the Lynchburg Hill Cats v. The Salem Red Socks.
I don't understand the appeal of baseball games, whenever I go to one I find myself drawn away from the game to explore other activities. Tonight instead of watching the game, I joked around with my friends about the people around us. At the Orioles game I found myself talking to Liam (again with the Liam). Even though going to a major league baseball game may not be the best thing in the world I believe it to be an experience everyone must have at least once in their life.
It's one of those things that people just must do before they die. There are many things like such. For example the whole "sky diving" thing it is something that everyone feels they must do before they die. It's a classic, you see it in "The Holiday" and "The Bucket List" both about people who find out they only have so long to die therefore create lists of things they want to do before they die. In the same theory I believe that everyone must go to a major league sports game, and not some whimpy sport like golf or a tennis, a real sport like baseball or football.
Just to see these people, the people out there playing on the field that to some people heroes and to others they are family maybe even parents. Children idolize them, like some kind of gods. Just to be near within sight of someone like that, it's amazing.
So if you ever create on of these lists, or if it's just a list inside your head, makes sure to add "Go to major league game" on there. It wouldn't even hurt to do it with someone special, Major league and minor league, 2 out of 3 of those games have been with the one the only, Liam.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Can you spare me some change?
Today was the kind of day that I just didn't want to get out of bed. I awoke to a small child banging loudly on an upside down pan with a spoon. It was not the best way to start the day. Since I had tried to get to sleep for an hour after that with no success and it was raining, I decided to go for a walk. I love walking in the rain and just feeling it on my skin. It's really very relaxing.
I started thinking about when I was younger and I try to compare the things she does to the things I would have done when I was her age. I suppose banging on a pan at that age in some sense would seem appealing. I never did things like that when I was younger. I was very obedient, but only because if I was too loud or too annoying, I would get spanked. Fiona has much more leeway. My mom thinks that the way she raised us somehow made us the way we are and she's going to try to raise Fiona and Bitty differently. My mother has no preservation of our feelings. I shouldn't make my mom out as the bad guy but let's a face it, to a teenager parents are our worst enemy. All the things in my past, the things I told myself I was never going to do, they all seem like such small niches in the greater scheme of things. To myself at a younger age, it seemed very important to me to do only good but as an older teenager all I want to do is bad. Things change, people change. In truth all it is is adolescence but as a person yes, I have changed.
I have a fear of change, it's one of the few things I am actually afraid of. I have changes very much so in the past 4 years of my life. I started at 10 as a selfish, conceited, brat. As soon as I met Brandon (around age 11) I became very self conscious. I was also no longer the little girl that wanted to grow up and be a princess whose favorite color was pink no, instead I was the tripp pants, chains, and black. I hated pink I hated who I was and who I used to be I hated everything. (Surprisingly I was rather happy during this time of my life, maybe because I was loved). That stage lasted for about two years, or a little less, because then I started attending Holy Cross. The people there changed me, I was happy I had friends, I stopped cutting, suddenly wearing black wasn't a necessity for me.
And there was Liam. Yes I know we've heard a lot about Liam, but he does play a very big part in my life. I must say I was infatuated if not in love with Liam from the minute I laid eyes on him, now I'm not kidding about that either. I thought he was very handsome and I wanted him. With time, and change I got him. I am now a toned down, emotional version of my 10 year old self. People may not love me for it but the respect me for who i am. I have very few friends but many acquaintances. I can live with that because the friends I do have are all I need at the moment.
The reason I am so scared of change, at least change in personality, is because I do not want to lose people by me changing. It has happened before and I know it can and probably will happen again. losing people I love is another one of my few but very serious fears. I couldn't stand it. I'm most scared of changing and losing Liam. I think the previous blog posts speak for themselves on why. All in all change is going to happen no matter what, it's all apart of the plan and you just have to go with the flow because, in my opinion, it's probably for the better.
I started thinking about when I was younger and I try to compare the things she does to the things I would have done when I was her age. I suppose banging on a pan at that age in some sense would seem appealing. I never did things like that when I was younger. I was very obedient, but only because if I was too loud or too annoying, I would get spanked. Fiona has much more leeway. My mom thinks that the way she raised us somehow made us the way we are and she's going to try to raise Fiona and Bitty differently. My mother has no preservation of our feelings. I shouldn't make my mom out as the bad guy but let's a face it, to a teenager parents are our worst enemy. All the things in my past, the things I told myself I was never going to do, they all seem like such small niches in the greater scheme of things. To myself at a younger age, it seemed very important to me to do only good but as an older teenager all I want to do is bad. Things change, people change. In truth all it is is adolescence but as a person yes, I have changed.
I have a fear of change, it's one of the few things I am actually afraid of. I have changes very much so in the past 4 years of my life. I started at 10 as a selfish, conceited, brat. As soon as I met Brandon (around age 11) I became very self conscious. I was also no longer the little girl that wanted to grow up and be a princess whose favorite color was pink no, instead I was the tripp pants, chains, and black. I hated pink I hated who I was and who I used to be I hated everything. (Surprisingly I was rather happy during this time of my life, maybe because I was loved). That stage lasted for about two years, or a little less, because then I started attending Holy Cross. The people there changed me, I was happy I had friends, I stopped cutting, suddenly wearing black wasn't a necessity for me.
And there was Liam. Yes I know we've heard a lot about Liam, but he does play a very big part in my life. I must say I was infatuated if not in love with Liam from the minute I laid eyes on him, now I'm not kidding about that either. I thought he was very handsome and I wanted him. With time, and change I got him. I am now a toned down, emotional version of my 10 year old self. People may not love me for it but the respect me for who i am. I have very few friends but many acquaintances. I can live with that because the friends I do have are all I need at the moment.
The reason I am so scared of change, at least change in personality, is because I do not want to lose people by me changing. It has happened before and I know it can and probably will happen again. losing people I love is another one of my few but very serious fears. I couldn't stand it. I'm most scared of changing and losing Liam. I think the previous blog posts speak for themselves on why. All in all change is going to happen no matter what, it's all apart of the plan and you just have to go with the flow because, in my opinion, it's probably for the better.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
My Never
I love Liam, I love him a lot. Everyone knows that, and if they don't they should. I'm confused. With Liam I'm happy, I've never been happier in my life, and I mean that, but when I'm not with him it's like my heart has dropped to the floor and all I can do is drag it along with me, it's so heavy. I'm sad because I'm not with him, all I can do is think about him, all the things we have done together and such. :)
I wish I could be with him every second of every day. I never thought I would be here, like this. Him and me together, in love. Back then it was all just a fantasy, but my fantasy has become a reality.
My life has never been right and I'm lost because I'm used to just accept that life sucked but now, suddenly, life is wonderful and I love it and it's confusing because I've never accepted that life could be as good as it is now, and now that it's like it is it's....mesmerizing.
I never want this time of my life to end because it feels so good I can't nor do I want to let this go. MY need for happiness is so overwhelming and now that I have happiness I need it more than ever. When I didn't have happiness it was not crucial to have happiness in bad times because it was how life was. Life sucked that was that but now that I know there's something better I want it non-stop, I need it, I need Liam.
I'm even more confused because I didn't want to be the one to fall in love like this. I wanted to be the headstrong person that could throw him away whenever I wanted to and he would come crawling back no matter what but it wouldn't matter because I never needed him like he needs me. It's so different from what I had expected. I'm not me when I'm without him, I've always wanted someone to say those words about me but instead I find myself saying things like that about him all the time. This isn't the way it was planned to be but it's the way it is and I love it. I would never do anything that would make him even consider breaking up with me because, God, just to think about life without Liam hurts like a bitch.
I must apologize because I push him away. I do it subconsciously, I trust people so much that I don't trust them. That is to say that I tell people things and would like them to not share it or would like to think I can trust them but I don't expect them to meet my expectations. I trust Liam with me heart, but I expect him to break it. I write about it all the time. I try to explain it but the best way to say it is I love Liam.
I wish I could be with him every second of every day. I never thought I would be here, like this. Him and me together, in love. Back then it was all just a fantasy, but my fantasy has become a reality.
My life has never been right and I'm lost because I'm used to just accept that life sucked but now, suddenly, life is wonderful and I love it and it's confusing because I've never accepted that life could be as good as it is now, and now that it's like it is it's....mesmerizing. I never want this time of my life to end because it feels so good I can't nor do I want to let this go. MY need for happiness is so overwhelming and now that I have happiness I need it more than ever. When I didn't have happiness it was not crucial to have happiness in bad times because it was how life was. Life sucked that was that but now that I know there's something better I want it non-stop, I need it, I need Liam.
I'm even more confused because I didn't want to be the one to fall in love like this. I wanted to be the headstrong person that could throw him away whenever I wanted to and he would come crawling back no matter what but it wouldn't matter because I never needed him like he needs me. It's so different from what I had expected. I'm not me when I'm without him, I've always wanted someone to say those words about me but instead I find myself saying things like that about him all the time. This isn't the way it was planned to be but it's the way it is and I love it. I would never do anything that would make him even consider breaking up with me because, God, just to think about life without Liam hurts like a bitch.
I must apologize because I push him away. I do it subconsciously, I trust people so much that I don't trust them. That is to say that I tell people things and would like them to not share it or would like to think I can trust them but I don't expect them to meet my expectations. I trust Liam with me heart, but I expect him to break it. I write about it all the time. I try to explain it but the best way to say it is I love Liam.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Stupidity is Always for Sale
I think I'm obsessed with shoes. Seriously, my love of shoes is unnatural. I wish I had money so I could buy whatever I wanted. Meghann's birthday is coming up so as soon as I get money it's going to be gone again on her present. It's not easy being poor. Well I'm not generally poor I just don't have a lot of money. I would ask Grandma for some because I need new clothes, but I don't know. She's already paying for me to go to school and get new uniforms, and if Mommy can't get me lunch money I'm going to ask her for some too.
My muscles are so sore from volleyball. I'm starting to show improvement. I'm as good as any other person who has played for at least two years and I've only really played for one. I still can't overhand serve which is really making me angry. I would really kill to overhand serve like some of the other girls.
I'm just a naturally jealous person. I should like what I have more, but I really don't. I wish school would hurry up and start again because I'm getting so bored of summer, I'm ready for school to start so I can actually have something to do!
Liam is leaving...for forever. Not really, he's just going to visit his family for a long time. I probably won't really see him until school starts again. WHICH IS A MONTH AND A HALF AWAY!!! That's way to long for me to not see him. I'm going to go crazy. I'm crazy just thinking about it. I miss him just thinking about it.
He makes waking up in the morning worth while. Just so I can talk to him, or occasionally even see him. I don't see him a lot. It was harder at the beginning of the summer because I was transitioning from seeing him almost every day to seeing him once every two weeks. BIG CHANGE! I've adjusted to that I can adjust to not seeing him til school starts. I saw him today :)
I gave him a hug. I like hugging him around the waste because that way I don't have to stand on my tippy toes and I can lay my head on his chest. I like laying my head on his chest :) I also saw him Monday. I had fun. I was about to cry when he told me he was going to visit his family and I wouldn't see him for a while. Go ahead you can think I'm stupid but you have no idea what it's like to go a while without seeing the one you love, the one that keeps you sane, keeps your dreams happy, the one who blows your mind and keeps you wondering every other second. It's like you can't think straight and your unhappy no matter what anyone does because that one person isn't there. Now you can say I'm exaggerating and you can think whatever you want but honestly, life without Liam is almost pointless. As much as I don't want my world to revolve around him, it generally does. Now I'm not saying that if Liam died in some freak accident I would kill myself. I would be upset and lost and confused and probably would need psychiatric help for the rest of my life but I have my sisters and brother and my friends that need me. Especially my younger sisters, they're going to need me there to guide and help them and I couldn't give all that up for just one person, no matter how important to me he is because I know that if Liam died he would want me to live my life and be happy and helpful and be the best person I can be and not mope around OR kill myself.
I must say I at this moment I love no one more than Liam and Bitty. It's crazy. I'm genuinely happy. Thank you God, Bitty, and Liam.
So to wrap it up, fall in love, it's the best thing that will ever happen to you. Keep that love close and remember if you do lose it, there's more than one kind of love so don't give up just because you've lost one because another will come along eventually. It's all a part of the plan!
My muscles are so sore from volleyball. I'm starting to show improvement. I'm as good as any other person who has played for at least two years and I've only really played for one. I still can't overhand serve which is really making me angry. I would really kill to overhand serve like some of the other girls.
I'm just a naturally jealous person. I should like what I have more, but I really don't. I wish school would hurry up and start again because I'm getting so bored of summer, I'm ready for school to start so I can actually have something to do!
Liam is leaving...for forever. Not really, he's just going to visit his family for a long time. I probably won't really see him until school starts again. WHICH IS A MONTH AND A HALF AWAY!!! That's way to long for me to not see him. I'm going to go crazy. I'm crazy just thinking about it. I miss him just thinking about it.
He makes waking up in the morning worth while. Just so I can talk to him, or occasionally even see him. I don't see him a lot. It was harder at the beginning of the summer because I was transitioning from seeing him almost every day to seeing him once every two weeks. BIG CHANGE! I've adjusted to that I can adjust to not seeing him til school starts. I saw him today :)
I gave him a hug. I like hugging him around the waste because that way I don't have to stand on my tippy toes and I can lay my head on his chest. I like laying my head on his chest :) I also saw him Monday. I had fun. I was about to cry when he told me he was going to visit his family and I wouldn't see him for a while. Go ahead you can think I'm stupid but you have no idea what it's like to go a while without seeing the one you love, the one that keeps you sane, keeps your dreams happy, the one who blows your mind and keeps you wondering every other second. It's like you can't think straight and your unhappy no matter what anyone does because that one person isn't there. Now you can say I'm exaggerating and you can think whatever you want but honestly, life without Liam is almost pointless. As much as I don't want my world to revolve around him, it generally does. Now I'm not saying that if Liam died in some freak accident I would kill myself. I would be upset and lost and confused and probably would need psychiatric help for the rest of my life but I have my sisters and brother and my friends that need me. Especially my younger sisters, they're going to need me there to guide and help them and I couldn't give all that up for just one person, no matter how important to me he is because I know that if Liam died he would want me to live my life and be happy and helpful and be the best person I can be and not mope around OR kill myself.
I must say I at this moment I love no one more than Liam and Bitty. It's crazy. I'm genuinely happy. Thank you God, Bitty, and Liam.
So to wrap it up, fall in love, it's the best thing that will ever happen to you. Keep that love close and remember if you do lose it, there's more than one kind of love so don't give up just because you've lost one because another will come along eventually. It's all a part of the plan!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Wonderwall
Yesterday, after volleyball practice, I met up with the handsome and dashing Mr. Liam. We had fun, of course we went to starbucks like always. I had fun, he got me a really sweet card, and since it was so awesome I'm going to type what it said on it.
"How about this... Let's rewind to a time before our love story got so complicated. Or better yet, we could just fast-forward past it. Let's rewrite the script so that we take extra special care with each other's heart and feelings. Let's minimize the drama as much as possible and add in a few extra love scenes just to make sure the relationship is headed for a happy ending-where we're wrapped in a deep embrace whispering "I'm sorrys" and "I love yous" in between tender kisses and long looks of love...I hate it when there's tension between us and we just seem to tune out or turn each other off...Let's try to get over this. Let's start replaying the part that really matters-the love that brought us together in the first place."
Adorable, right? and all to perfect. Here's what Liam wrote.
"Audra,
I don't know how else to say it, I love you and I'm sorry for all I've done to hurt you.
Love,
Liam"
Tell me I don't have the best boyfriend ever? Well, I write about him so much that I decided it's time to write about something else for a change.
I have the craziest sisters EVER. Fiona just said "watch this!" and threw off her bathrobe and started dancing naked in front of Brianne and Chelsea. I suppose you can't expect much more from a 4 year old though. Bitty peed on the kitchen floor, my life is great. That's how my life is with a pregnant almost 18 year old, an all-to-mature-for-her-age 16 year old, me...an emotional-talkative-full-of-myself 14 year old, a tomboy-who-wants-to-be-just-like-me 4 yea old and an unpotty-trained-wants-to-be-naked-all-the-time-and-can't-be-left-out-of-anything 1 year old.
My step dad works from 8pm-8am and sleeps all day. Brianne is always working or going out with Cory and I stay in my room reading all day, when I'm not reading I'm on the computer. Chelsea is really the only one who helps out with the kids when she's not baby-sitting for my dad. Which is every week Sunday-Tuesday.
I go to my dads house on Sunday every week and normally stay and help baby sit but this week I have volleyball camp which is working on volleyball skills from 9am-4pm with a one hour lunch break in between. I started using this prescribed acne stuff, I don't know whether it actually will work or not, but I guess I'll find out. I hope it does.
I haven't gotten a lot of sleep in a while. Basically ever since school started last August, I just don't sleep like I used to even though I'm tired all the time. I know it's not because I eat unhealthy because I don't eat unhealthy. Well who knows? I sure don't I guess that's just the way my family works, we're a mystery!
"How about this... Let's rewind to a time before our love story got so complicated. Or better yet, we could just fast-forward past it. Let's rewrite the script so that we take extra special care with each other's heart and feelings. Let's minimize the drama as much as possible and add in a few extra love scenes just to make sure the relationship is headed for a happy ending-where we're wrapped in a deep embrace whispering "I'm sorrys" and "I love yous" in between tender kisses and long looks of love...I hate it when there's tension between us and we just seem to tune out or turn each other off...Let's try to get over this. Let's start replaying the part that really matters-the love that brought us together in the first place."
Adorable, right? and all to perfect. Here's what Liam wrote.
"Audra,
I don't know how else to say it, I love you and I'm sorry for all I've done to hurt you.
Love,
Liam"
Tell me I don't have the best boyfriend ever? Well, I write about him so much that I decided it's time to write about something else for a change.
I have the craziest sisters EVER. Fiona just said "watch this!" and threw off her bathrobe and started dancing naked in front of Brianne and Chelsea. I suppose you can't expect much more from a 4 year old though. Bitty peed on the kitchen floor, my life is great. That's how my life is with a pregnant almost 18 year old, an all-to-mature-for-her-age 16 year old, me...an emotional-talkative-full-of-myself 14 year old, a tomboy-who-wants-to-be-just-like-me 4 yea old and an unpotty-trained-wants-to-be-naked-all-the-time-and-can't-be-left-out-of-anything 1 year old.
My step dad works from 8pm-8am and sleeps all day. Brianne is always working or going out with Cory and I stay in my room reading all day, when I'm not reading I'm on the computer. Chelsea is really the only one who helps out with the kids when she's not baby-sitting for my dad. Which is every week Sunday-Tuesday.I go to my dads house on Sunday every week and normally stay and help baby sit but this week I have volleyball camp which is working on volleyball skills from 9am-4pm with a one hour lunch break in between. I started using this prescribed acne stuff, I don't know whether it actually will work or not, but I guess I'll find out. I hope it does.
I haven't gotten a lot of sleep in a while. Basically ever since school started last August, I just don't sleep like I used to even though I'm tired all the time. I know it's not because I eat unhealthy because I don't eat unhealthy. Well who knows? I sure don't I guess that's just the way my family works, we're a mystery!
Friday, July 3, 2009
Near You Always
I don't know why but for some reason there is no time in my life when I am more depressed then when I am on my period. It really isn't fun, especially around holidays. Today we are celebrating the fourth of July a day early and I just can't enjoy it. Now I can't blame it entirely on my feminine adolescent issues, but for the majority it is. Last night I was upset, just upset, I suppose the Liam issue triggered it but I was really upset and didn't go to bed until 1:00am and didn't fall asleep until 3:30am.
Now I weighed myself and guess who weighs 122 lbs.? That's right, me. I know I'll get over it just like I did when I hit 100 lbs., but I looked up the average weight of myself and I should weigh 105-115 lbs. that's 7 more lbs. then I should weigh. :( I know it's just my hormones talking because I don't worry about my weight, generally. I want to see Liam, but I'm scared to see him. I don't know what he sees in me. I know he is always saying he likes me because I'm different, but I'm not really different I'm just psycho. I'm not complaining that he likes me, I just don't get it.
I may not have a true friend, but Darienne is the closest thing to one and I will take her. She really is a good friend, sometimes, when I need her.
I feel like something is wrong with my life, or like something should be wrong with it so I am speedily scanning my mind subconsciously for any faults or defects in my life that I can use to say my life is crappy. I know it's stupid, but like I said I'm doing it subconsciously, again it's the hormones. I can't wait til I'm no longer a teenager.
I believe suicide victims commit suicide because they have been disappointed one to many times. I have considered suicide occasionally, in the past even attempted it. I don't attempt it anymore because I'm waiting to see the outcome of life. I haven't been severely let down as much as some and I can still see through even the worst crimes to my happy future. When a person has been disappointed to many times, they have no hope and can't look to the future because all they see is dread and despair like their life is at the moment.
I feel the need to do something to draw attention to myself. I'm severely considering going anorexic, bulimic, cutting, or beating myself just for attention. Cutting and bulimia being the ones I would go with first. These hormones are stupid. It's them talking. I'm considering doing those things for attention because I want it. Normally, when I'm not on my period, I am perfectly fine with no attention and such but I need nothing more than it when I am. Which is why I must apologize to Liam for my upset last night. It was the hormones dear, crying for attention, not me. The love you just as much as I do.
Speaking of love, Darienne does not believe I love Liam, Chelsea does. This makes me angry. I mean she can think all she wants but to really believe it makes me angry. She doesn't know my feelings and she has no idea how my wants and needs run so how can she know if I love him or not? I mean people, such as friends and family, can only tell a persons love from the outside, such as affection but even just when they talk. Some people are more physical than mental with their relationships but the physical way a couple acts does not define their feelings for each other, only the actual feelings that only they feel do so therefore I find it impossible for anyone but the person themselves to know whether they are in love or not. An outside force can only judge the feelings, they can not know for sure. A book should never be judged by it's cover.
For anyone who believes I am not in love, please rethink this accusation. I can not make you believe but for you to believe that I am not is an insult to me. Judging is wrong under any circumstances and who are you to judge my feelings for another person. I am no science experiment I'm merely human, it's all I ever have been and all I ever will be. Love me or hate me I'll leave that decision up to you, all I ask is that you respect me as a human, and never judge me. Never judge me.
Now I weighed myself and guess who weighs 122 lbs.? That's right, me. I know I'll get over it just like I did when I hit 100 lbs., but I looked up the average weight of myself and I should weigh 105-115 lbs. that's 7 more lbs. then I should weigh. :( I know it's just my hormones talking because I don't worry about my weight, generally. I want to see Liam, but I'm scared to see him. I don't know what he sees in me. I know he is always saying he likes me because I'm different, but I'm not really different I'm just psycho. I'm not complaining that he likes me, I just don't get it.
I may not have a true friend, but Darienne is the closest thing to one and I will take her. She really is a good friend, sometimes, when I need her.
I feel like something is wrong with my life, or like something should be wrong with it so I am speedily scanning my mind subconsciously for any faults or defects in my life that I can use to say my life is crappy. I know it's stupid, but like I said I'm doing it subconsciously, again it's the hormones. I can't wait til I'm no longer a teenager.
I believe suicide victims commit suicide because they have been disappointed one to many times. I have considered suicide occasionally, in the past even attempted it. I don't attempt it anymore because I'm waiting to see the outcome of life. I haven't been severely let down as much as some and I can still see through even the worst crimes to my happy future. When a person has been disappointed to many times, they have no hope and can't look to the future because all they see is dread and despair like their life is at the moment.
I feel the need to do something to draw attention to myself. I'm severely considering going anorexic, bulimic, cutting, or beating myself just for attention. Cutting and bulimia being the ones I would go with first. These hormones are stupid. It's them talking. I'm considering doing those things for attention because I want it. Normally, when I'm not on my period, I am perfectly fine with no attention and such but I need nothing more than it when I am. Which is why I must apologize to Liam for my upset last night. It was the hormones dear, crying for attention, not me. The love you just as much as I do.
Speaking of love, Darienne does not believe I love Liam, Chelsea does. This makes me angry. I mean she can think all she wants but to really believe it makes me angry. She doesn't know my feelings and she has no idea how my wants and needs run so how can she know if I love him or not? I mean people, such as friends and family, can only tell a persons love from the outside, such as affection but even just when they talk. Some people are more physical than mental with their relationships but the physical way a couple acts does not define their feelings for each other, only the actual feelings that only they feel do so therefore I find it impossible for anyone but the person themselves to know whether they are in love or not. An outside force can only judge the feelings, they can not know for sure. A book should never be judged by it's cover.
For anyone who believes I am not in love, please rethink this accusation. I can not make you believe but for you to believe that I am not is an insult to me. Judging is wrong under any circumstances and who are you to judge my feelings for another person. I am no science experiment I'm merely human, it's all I ever have been and all I ever will be. Love me or hate me I'll leave that decision up to you, all I ask is that you respect me as a human, and never judge me. Never judge me.
The Answer
Last night I got upset with Liam for not talking to me. Okay, now I admit I was acting stupid last night. Maybe I misinterpreted his feelings but from my point of view it seemed like he was angry with me. This makes me mad...most things Liam does just upset me but him getting angry over me being upset just makes me mad.
Now I apologize if he wasn't angry but even if he wasn't this is something he should know because he has done it before.
Why is it okay for me to be wrong and not him? If he gets upset with me I do not get angry with him because that's rude it is just an excuse for an argument and I'm not going to do that. I'm going to apologize for upsetting him.
Apparently though, if I get upset over something he does, he didn't do anything wrong, it's just me and my crazy mind looking for an excuse to be mad at him.
I will not be mad at you for no reason!! Obviously if I'm upset it's something I feel strongly about and I need to talk to him about it and not just hope it goes away. By him getting angry when I'm upset it's feeding the flame, begging for an argument to ensue. I don't want to argue with him. Another thing he needs to know is that if I'm upset and he gets angry and makes me angry, the things I say when I'm angry generally aren't the way I feel and think in the long run, it's temporary anger and it doesn't mean as much.
I'm not upset over our conversation last night because it was stupid. I guess that's all I have to say. Maybe it's just because he's a guy, guy's a prone to getting all defensive and mad when an issue like that comes up, they just aren't as sensible as women.
Now I apologize if he wasn't angry but even if he wasn't this is something he should know because he has done it before.
Why is it okay for me to be wrong and not him? If he gets upset with me I do not get angry with him because that's rude it is just an excuse for an argument and I'm not going to do that. I'm going to apologize for upsetting him.
Apparently though, if I get upset over something he does, he didn't do anything wrong, it's just me and my crazy mind looking for an excuse to be mad at him.
I will not be mad at you for no reason!! Obviously if I'm upset it's something I feel strongly about and I need to talk to him about it and not just hope it goes away. By him getting angry when I'm upset it's feeding the flame, begging for an argument to ensue. I don't want to argue with him. Another thing he needs to know is that if I'm upset and he gets angry and makes me angry, the things I say when I'm angry generally aren't the way I feel and think in the long run, it's temporary anger and it doesn't mean as much.
I'm not upset over our conversation last night because it was stupid. I guess that's all I have to say. Maybe it's just because he's a guy, guy's a prone to getting all defensive and mad when an issue like that comes up, they just aren't as sensible as women.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Hate Me.
So my week has been interesting. It all started Saturday. Let's review!
Saturday: Michael is having some issues with his leg. There's a large ugly purple spot giving him fevers. woo. Momma takes him to the doctors. IT'S A SPIDER BITE! huzzah. Mom doesn't trust me with the girls, Chelsea is going out and Bri has work. Me and the ladies get dropped off at the grandparents house. Sad but true. I spend all day there then go home with Brianne.
Sunday: I wake up and find Chelsea in her room getting ready and Brianne still asleep in her room with the babies. I get on the computer. I take a shower and get ready to go when I learn that Pater is picking us up after his church service and Mater went to the hospital to pick up Michael. Had a lovely day with Daddy, spent the night.
Monday: Boring day of baby sitting. Watched Degrassi, ate lunch, watched degrassi, read to Isaak, watched Degrassi, ate snack, Watched some of Hellboy went to bed.
Tuesday: A bit more intense day of baby sitting. Woke up, watched Degrassi, went to the park, read to Isaak, Chelsea and Sarah got in a fight, I told Sarah to go to hell, went home, ate lunch, watched Degrassi, watched the rest of Hellboy II, got in the car drove home. come home to all the power off in the house and my ps2 sitting in my room I ask Michael why it's there and he starts to explain but gets sidetracked. I go into Mommy's bedroom to find her lying on the bed in one of those moods. I say hi, ask her what's wrong and she says "We won't be able to use hot water, air conditioning, or computers for a little while." I ask how long. "five years" she replies. I go out and tell Daddy this and he offers for me to stay at his house. I go in tell Mommy Daddy needs more help with baby sitting and she says, I knew you would bail on me. I left anyway, watched some dumb ghost movie and went to bed.
Wednesday (aka today): Woke up and a quarter to 7 got driven by Daddy to Gary's house. (I love Daddy) Got there Darienne and Miss Montgomery greeted me. I stayed up for about an hour and then took a nap. Spent the day with Darienne, Annie, Mary, the ferrets, Nathan, and William (everytime I heard them say Williams name I thought the said Liam). I ate a what would have been lovely dinner if it weren't for the fact that I ate so much I was gagging as I took the last bite of my ice cream Sunday. Picked up a movie and now I am back at Dariennes house where I took a nice long shower, very relaxing. Darienne is being the bestest friend ever. I am now going to watch a omvie with my best friend and then hopefully sleep peacefully until tomorrow when I go home.
See, my mother, when she texted me, seemed to be sane, but afterbeing yelled at for abandoning them when we were having money issues, it doens't really make me want to go home. What she doesn't get is I wasn't leaving because we were having money issues and would have to make some changes, I was leaving because of the way she was acting about it.
Keep your friends close you never know when you'll need them, Darienne has always been there for me ESPECIALLY when I need her the most, like now.
"Hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me for all the things I didn't do for you."
Saturday: Michael is having some issues with his leg. There's a large ugly purple spot giving him fevers. woo. Momma takes him to the doctors. IT'S A SPIDER BITE! huzzah. Mom doesn't trust me with the girls, Chelsea is going out and Bri has work. Me and the ladies get dropped off at the grandparents house. Sad but true. I spend all day there then go home with Brianne.
Sunday: I wake up and find Chelsea in her room getting ready and Brianne still asleep in her room with the babies. I get on the computer. I take a shower and get ready to go when I learn that Pater is picking us up after his church service and Mater went to the hospital to pick up Michael. Had a lovely day with Daddy, spent the night.
Monday: Boring day of baby sitting. Watched Degrassi, ate lunch, watched degrassi, read to Isaak, watched Degrassi, ate snack, Watched some of Hellboy went to bed.
Tuesday: A bit more intense day of baby sitting. Woke up, watched Degrassi, went to the park, read to Isaak, Chelsea and Sarah got in a fight, I told Sarah to go to hell, went home, ate lunch, watched Degrassi, watched the rest of Hellboy II, got in the car drove home. come home to all the power off in the house and my ps2 sitting in my room I ask Michael why it's there and he starts to explain but gets sidetracked. I go into Mommy's bedroom to find her lying on the bed in one of those moods. I say hi, ask her what's wrong and she says "We won't be able to use hot water, air conditioning, or computers for a little while." I ask how long. "five years" she replies. I go out and tell Daddy this and he offers for me to stay at his house. I go in tell Mommy Daddy needs more help with baby sitting and she says, I knew you would bail on me. I left anyway, watched some dumb ghost movie and went to bed.
Wednesday (aka today): Woke up and a quarter to 7 got driven by Daddy to Gary's house. (I love Daddy) Got there Darienne and Miss Montgomery greeted me. I stayed up for about an hour and then took a nap. Spent the day with Darienne, Annie, Mary, the ferrets, Nathan, and William (everytime I heard them say Williams name I thought the said Liam). I ate a what would have been lovely dinner if it weren't for the fact that I ate so much I was gagging as I took the last bite of my ice cream Sunday. Picked up a movie and now I am back at Dariennes house where I took a nice long shower, very relaxing. Darienne is being the bestest friend ever. I am now going to watch a omvie with my best friend and then hopefully sleep peacefully until tomorrow when I go home.
See, my mother, when she texted me, seemed to be sane, but afterbeing yelled at for abandoning them when we were having money issues, it doens't really make me want to go home. What she doesn't get is I wasn't leaving because we were having money issues and would have to make some changes, I was leaving because of the way she was acting about it.
Keep your friends close you never know when you'll need them, Darienne has always been there for me ESPECIALLY when I need her the most, like now.
"Hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me for all the things I didn't do for you."
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