There's 30 Days of September, April, June, and November.

I thought that since today was the last day of September I should say something inspirational. My life is not a very inspirational life but I would like to think that someone could hear about my life and walk away have learned something. As most people know I complain a lot, what's even worse than my complaining is I don't listen. People try to help me and give me advice but I want what I won't and I'm not going to listen.

I know that this is a very stupid thing for me to do, so don't for a second believe that I'm proud of a lot of the things I do. I know I am not a good person and I know I'm selfish and stupid, but I still hate it when people tell me it. I really do try, I don't know if anyone knows that but I do try to be a good person and I try to keep my mouth shut and I try to take advice people give me. When people insult me for these things it just reminds me of the awful person I am. Some people wonder why I am so unhappy it's because they don't give me enough credit for how hard I try.

I don't take peoples advice a lot of the time because their advice is what they would do, me and that person most likely are two very different people. Getting hurt is a chance I am willing to take. I take a lot of chances. My decisions are not what make me so unhappy with me life, in fact my decisions just make me a stronger person, it's the qualities I hate in myself that make me unhappy with life. I can't love until I love myself. I always say I love everyone but really I'm just neutral about everyone. I like hugs I like to show affection but, if there's something I have to say you're going to hear it and if you can't handle the truth that's something you have to get over because lying is more painful then telling the truth.

I don't lie a lot. Even if I have done something wrong, I don't usually try to make up a story and cover it up, I tell it like it is. It is so much easier to just take the consequence and get on with life. A lot of people look down on me for telling the truth so much, because I can hurt people easily. A better description would be that I'm very opinionated. If I don't like your hair I will tell you because I would want someone to tell me if they thought my hair looked bad. I guess I see no wrong it what I say and do because all I'm doing is following the golden rule. The problem is a lot of people aren't like me and don't want to be treated how I can handle being treated.

A Fresh Start

As most of you might have already come to notice I have not written in my blog in quite a while, I will tell you why. Since about a week after school started I have been depressed. I never wanted to make a guy my everything but I did and when I started losing his attention I put everything I had into keeping him. This took away my energy to do anything else. I tried so many things just to resolve the issues we had been having. I ignored him to make him miss me and when that didn't work I pretended to be happy and when that didn't work I threatened my life.

Threatening my life really was a stupid idea because you never accomplish anything when lives are on the line. In truth, it only made the end come much faster than I hoped. I called Liam on Sunday and just cried and told him I didn't want to be with anyone else and how much I was going to miss him. That Wednesday Liam broke up with me. Sealed with a kiss (on the cheek).

At first I was upset but instead of crying I laughed, I laughed as loud, hard, and much as I could. For the next two days everything was black and white and I was just barely getting by. I was happy at school because Liam was there and although he had hurt me, I still loved to see him. I smiled at school, I went home and cried. I knew it all had to end.

The day Liam broke up with me a guy I had liked since I had met him, near the beginning of the year, told me he liked me. At first I was a little excited because I did like him also but I was still a little torn up over Liam. As I talked to and hung out with Scott more I liked him even more. He made/makes me happy and I appreciate his concern for my wellness. I have these memories of Liam and the things we used to do, and I can't let them go. Up until a few days ago I had the hope of getting back with Liam, but today I am a new person. Today I am the butterfly coming from the cocoon. Like the lilies of spring I will rise again.

The only negative experience I can think of getting from this is how will I ever learn to be happy and love myself without a guy if the second a guy breaks my heart another one walks into my life.