I never thought I would be one to know loves touch. Whats worse is that I never thought I would fall in love with him. This whole situation is really quite messed up actually. I'm not entirely sure what my feelings are for him. When I'm without him, I am fine... I don't even think about him 24/7, and when I'm with him, I just want to hold his hand and snuggle up next to him. I never want to leave him.
I'm so confused by my feelings because, I like him but I'm not creepily obsessed with him like I have been with every other guy. I don't understand anything I'm feeling.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Unforgiven
I've never felt,
A feeling like this.
Happy and sad,
Depressed and some Bliss.
Every thing is done,
Every thing is said,
And still my minds filled,
With you in my head.
You make me smile,
But you make me cry.
I want to live forever,
I want to lay down and die
I want to be,
Forever with you,
I want to see,
Anyone but you.
Because of you,
I've curled up inside.
Inside of myself,
Is the place that I hide.
Yet to be to myself,
Is all that I want.
I should be thanking you,
Instead of screaming "fuck!"
Curled up in a ball,
crying on the floor.
Screaming "Oh God!"
Slamming my head in the door.
Remembering the times,
The way that you smile.
When in your arms,
I want to stay there for a while.
A feeling like this.
Happy and sad,
Depressed and some Bliss.
Every thing is done,
Every thing is said,
And still my minds filled,
With you in my head.
You make me smile,
But you make me cry.
I want to live forever,
I want to lay down and die
I want to be,
Forever with you,
I want to see,
Anyone but you.
Because of you,
I've curled up inside.
Inside of myself,
Is the place that I hide.
Yet to be to myself,
Is all that I want.
I should be thanking you,
Instead of screaming "fuck!"
Curled up in a ball,
crying on the floor.
Screaming "Oh God!"
Slamming my head in the door.
Remembering the times,
The way that you smile.
When in your arms,
I want to stay there for a while.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
The Forbidden Fruit
Just to show you how fair the world is, from what I have observed, we seem to often fall in love with the one person we can't have. I believe that there is one person out there in the world for us, one who we are really meant to be with and who is really meant to be with us, but the chances of finding them are 1 in 1,000,000. I also believe that we don't marry the person we love.
Maybe there is something appealing about what you can't have but it just seems that when we do fall in love, we fall in love with what we can't have. With my older sister, she fell in love with a guy who my parents hated. I genuinely believe that they were in love, I wish they had stayed together because they are two people I could see living off love in a little apartment somewhere 10 years from now. I believe he was her soul mate.
The fact that they are not still together makes me question love, everything in the world makes me question love. The fact that I have so much love to give is the only reason I still believe in love. I've had my own experience with love. When I was younger I loved a guy who I could not have, he was completely off limits, which brings me back to the original question; Why do we always fall in love with the one person we can't have?
There is my theory that something we can't have is more appealing but maybe it's a test from God. It's like.. God puts obstacles in the way of you and that person so you can prove your love to them, you have to work to get them and when you have them, if you really love them, it will be like a piece of heaven.
I have my own forbidden fruit. I am Eve, he is my forbidden fruit and just like Eve I have taken a bite from the forbidden fruit. At the moment I'm just waiting to see if I get punished, hopefully I won't. Moral of the story: If there is something blocking your way between you and the person you love, keep working towards them because the more you work the more worth it it will be.
Maybe there is something appealing about what you can't have but it just seems that when we do fall in love, we fall in love with what we can't have. With my older sister, she fell in love with a guy who my parents hated. I genuinely believe that they were in love, I wish they had stayed together because they are two people I could see living off love in a little apartment somewhere 10 years from now. I believe he was her soul mate.
The fact that they are not still together makes me question love, everything in the world makes me question love. The fact that I have so much love to give is the only reason I still believe in love. I've had my own experience with love. When I was younger I loved a guy who I could not have, he was completely off limits, which brings me back to the original question; Why do we always fall in love with the one person we can't have?
There is my theory that something we can't have is more appealing but maybe it's a test from God. It's like.. God puts obstacles in the way of you and that person so you can prove your love to them, you have to work to get them and when you have them, if you really love them, it will be like a piece of heaven.
I have my own forbidden fruit. I am Eve, he is my forbidden fruit and just like Eve I have taken a bite from the forbidden fruit. At the moment I'm just waiting to see if I get punished, hopefully I won't. Moral of the story: If there is something blocking your way between you and the person you love, keep working towards them because the more you work the more worth it it will be.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Miserable at Best
Things don't always go according to plan. That is something I have learned throughout my life. In June I was seeing myself at homecoming with Liam, the happiest and most beautiful girl there, now I see myself by anothers side, and even though I may not be wearing the crown like I had planned I will still be the most beautiful girl standing in the room with him by my side. But as I started out things don't always go according to plan and for all I know, homecoming being in January, I could be the loneliest and saddest person there. I might not even go. No one really knows what is going to happen we just assume.
We sometimes just hope for the best, but have so much hope in us we get blinded to reality and when reality hits, it hits hard. At first I thought my break up with Liam went as best as it could but I'm starting to see differently now. Liam loved me, he cared about me we were still going to be friends, everything would be fine, we still had each other. Well, like I've said twice now, things don't always go according to plan. I had planned for everything to work out, but at the moment it's still crashing down.
The little comments, the sneers and jeers, and I know it's both our fault. I wish I could just talk to him, I want everything to be okay.. but it isn't. I cared and still do care a LOT about him and all I want is to talk to him and be close to him but I don't know how, I'm still so torn up that he hurt me even though I know the hurt was only so I could heal. The only thing that makes it okay is telling myself he' doing it because he loves me.
I don't always understand life, but I try my best at it. Moving on is the best thing to do and I have my friends to help me with that. I just don't want to have to.
We sometimes just hope for the best, but have so much hope in us we get blinded to reality and when reality hits, it hits hard. At first I thought my break up with Liam went as best as it could but I'm starting to see differently now. Liam loved me, he cared about me we were still going to be friends, everything would be fine, we still had each other. Well, like I've said twice now, things don't always go according to plan. I had planned for everything to work out, but at the moment it's still crashing down.
The little comments, the sneers and jeers, and I know it's both our fault. I wish I could just talk to him, I want everything to be okay.. but it isn't. I cared and still do care a LOT about him and all I want is to talk to him and be close to him but I don't know how, I'm still so torn up that he hurt me even though I know the hurt was only so I could heal. The only thing that makes it okay is telling myself he' doing it because he loves me.
I don't always understand life, but I try my best at it. Moving on is the best thing to do and I have my friends to help me with that. I just don't want to have to.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
There's 30 Days of September, April, June, and November.
I thought that since today was the last day of September I should say something inspirational. My life is not a very inspirational life but I would like to think that someone could hear about my life and walk away have learned something. As most people know I complain a lot, what's even worse than my complaining is I don't listen. People try to help me and give me advice but I want what I won't and I'm not going to listen.
I know that this is a very stupid thing for me to do, so don't for a second believe that I'm proud of a lot of the things I do. I know I am not a good person and I know I'm selfish and stupid, but I still hate it when people tell me it. I really do try, I don't know if anyone knows that but I do try to be a good person and I try to keep my mouth shut and I try to take advice people give me. When people insult me for these things it just reminds me of the awful person I am. Some people wonder why I am so unhappy it's because they don't give me enough credit for how hard I try.
I don't take peoples advice a lot of the time because their advice is what they would do, me and that person most likely are two very different people. Getting hurt is a chance I am willing to take. I take a lot of chances. My decisions are not what make me so unhappy with me life, in fact my decisions just make me a stronger person, it's the qualities I hate in myself that make me unhappy with life. I can't love until I love myself. I always say I love everyone but really I'm just neutral about everyone. I like hugs I like to show affection but, if there's something I have to say you're going to hear it and if you can't handle the truth that's something you have to get over because lying is more painful then telling the truth.
I don't lie a lot. Even if I have done something wrong, I don't usually try to make up a story and cover it up, I tell it like it is. It is so much easier to just take the consequence and get on with life. A lot of people look down on me for telling the truth so much, because I can hurt people easily. A better description would be that I'm very opinionated. If I don't like your hair I will tell you because I would want someone to tell me if they thought my hair looked bad. I guess I see no wrong it what I say and do because all I'm doing is following the golden rule. The problem is a lot of people aren't like me and don't want to be treated how I can handle being treated.
I know that this is a very stupid thing for me to do, so don't for a second believe that I'm proud of a lot of the things I do. I know I am not a good person and I know I'm selfish and stupid, but I still hate it when people tell me it. I really do try, I don't know if anyone knows that but I do try to be a good person and I try to keep my mouth shut and I try to take advice people give me. When people insult me for these things it just reminds me of the awful person I am. Some people wonder why I am so unhappy it's because they don't give me enough credit for how hard I try.
I don't take peoples advice a lot of the time because their advice is what they would do, me and that person most likely are two very different people. Getting hurt is a chance I am willing to take. I take a lot of chances. My decisions are not what make me so unhappy with me life, in fact my decisions just make me a stronger person, it's the qualities I hate in myself that make me unhappy with life. I can't love until I love myself. I always say I love everyone but really I'm just neutral about everyone. I like hugs I like to show affection but, if there's something I have to say you're going to hear it and if you can't handle the truth that's something you have to get over because lying is more painful then telling the truth.
I don't lie a lot. Even if I have done something wrong, I don't usually try to make up a story and cover it up, I tell it like it is. It is so much easier to just take the consequence and get on with life. A lot of people look down on me for telling the truth so much, because I can hurt people easily. A better description would be that I'm very opinionated. If I don't like your hair I will tell you because I would want someone to tell me if they thought my hair looked bad. I guess I see no wrong it what I say and do because all I'm doing is following the golden rule. The problem is a lot of people aren't like me and don't want to be treated how I can handle being treated.
Monday, September 21, 2009
A Fresh Start
As most of you might have already come to notice I have not written in my blog in quite a while, I will tell you why. Since about a week after school started I have been depressed. I never wanted to make a guy my everything but I did and when I started losing his attention I put everything I had into keeping him. This took away my energy to do anything else. I tried so many things just to resolve the issues we had been having. I ignored him to make him miss me and when that didn't work I pretended to be happy and when that didn't work I threatened my life.
Threatening my life really was a stupid idea because you never accomplish anything when lives are on the line. In truth, it only made the end come much faster than I hoped. I called Liam on Sunday and just cried and told him I didn't want to be with anyone else and how much I was going to miss him. That Wednesday Liam broke up with me. Sealed with a kiss (on the cheek).
At first I was upset but instead of crying I laughed, I laughed as loud, hard, and much as I could. For the next two days everything was black and white and I was just barely getting by. I was happy at school because Liam was there and although he had hurt me, I still loved to see him. I smiled at school, I went home and cried. I knew it all had to end.
The day Liam broke up with me a guy I had liked since I had met him, near the beginning of the year, told me he liked me. At first I was a little excited because I did like him also but I was still a little torn up over Liam. As I talked to and hung out with Scott more I liked him even more. He made/makes me happy and I appreciate his concern for my wellness. I have these memories of Liam and the things we used to do, and I can't let them go. Up until a few days ago I had the hope of getting back with Liam, but today I am a new person. Today I am the butterfly coming from the cocoon. Like the lilies of spring I will rise again.
The only negative experience I can think of getting from this is how will I ever learn to be happy and love myself without a guy if the second a guy breaks my heart another one walks into my life.
Threatening my life really was a stupid idea because you never accomplish anything when lives are on the line. In truth, it only made the end come much faster than I hoped. I called Liam on Sunday and just cried and told him I didn't want to be with anyone else and how much I was going to miss him. That Wednesday Liam broke up with me. Sealed with a kiss (on the cheek).
At first I was upset but instead of crying I laughed, I laughed as loud, hard, and much as I could. For the next two days everything was black and white and I was just barely getting by. I was happy at school because Liam was there and although he had hurt me, I still loved to see him. I smiled at school, I went home and cried. I knew it all had to end.
The day Liam broke up with me a guy I had liked since I had met him, near the beginning of the year, told me he liked me. At first I was a little excited because I did like him also but I was still a little torn up over Liam. As I talked to and hung out with Scott more I liked him even more. He made/makes me happy and I appreciate his concern for my wellness. I have these memories of Liam and the things we used to do, and I can't let them go. Up until a few days ago I had the hope of getting back with Liam, but today I am a new person. Today I am the butterfly coming from the cocoon. Like the lilies of spring I will rise again.
The only negative experience I can think of getting from this is how will I ever learn to be happy and love myself without a guy if the second a guy breaks my heart another one walks into my life.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Take my hand NOT my life.
On facebook my dad did this birthday wish thing. It's like asking you to donate money to a cause for his birthday. He was asking people to donate to stop abortion. There was also a little story as to why you wanted people to donate to stop abortion. Here's what my dads said.
"This is why I care
I had a girlfriend in college who got pregnant, told me she was pregnant, and then got an abortion without my knowing it. Since then I have fathered 5 children, all of whom I love very much. If abortion had been illegal at the time, I would have 6 children to love. Hardly a day has gone by in 24 years that I have not thought of "who could have been", and to this day it pains me to think about it. I am STRONGLY against abortion. I believe life begins at conception and anything done to end that life is murder. I do not abdicate violence against abortion clinics, or the people who use them, but if people truly understood the love that Christ has for them, they would not be able to commit such a horrible act. Christian Adoption Services provides an alternative to abortion, while exposing people to Christ's love who may not experience it anywhere else. My son/daughter would have been 23 this year. That is the ammount I am requesting be donated in honor of him or her."
So, in other words, today I found out that I have a brother or sister, who was murdered before they even had the chance to live. Abortion was already something which I hated and was against, but knowing now that one of my siblings life was taken by it makes me hate it so much more. I could have had an older brother or sister but instead their mother decided without my dad that she did not want them. She was so selfish to not only take away that childs life but take away something from my father me and all my other sisters and brother.
Abortion IS wrong because it IS murder under any circumstances. Like my dad said there are other options then abortion. There is nothing or no one I hate more than abortion, if you believe that it's wrong, please donate to this cause, for my brother or sister who wasn't given a choice of life.
http://apps.facebook.com/causes/birthdays/130163?m=a198f3aa
"This is why I care
I had a girlfriend in college who got pregnant, told me she was pregnant, and then got an abortion without my knowing it. Since then I have fathered 5 children, all of whom I love very much. If abortion had been illegal at the time, I would have 6 children to love. Hardly a day has gone by in 24 years that I have not thought of "who could have been", and to this day it pains me to think about it. I am STRONGLY against abortion. I believe life begins at conception and anything done to end that life is murder. I do not abdicate violence against abortion clinics, or the people who use them, but if people truly understood the love that Christ has for them, they would not be able to commit such a horrible act. Christian Adoption Services provides an alternative to abortion, while exposing people to Christ's love who may not experience it anywhere else. My son/daughter would have been 23 this year. That is the ammount I am requesting be donated in honor of him or her."
So, in other words, today I found out that I have a brother or sister, who was murdered before they even had the chance to live. Abortion was already something which I hated and was against, but knowing now that one of my siblings life was taken by it makes me hate it so much more. I could have had an older brother or sister but instead their mother decided without my dad that she did not want them. She was so selfish to not only take away that childs life but take away something from my father me and all my other sisters and brother.
Abortion IS wrong because it IS murder under any circumstances. Like my dad said there are other options then abortion. There is nothing or no one I hate more than abortion, if you believe that it's wrong, please donate to this cause, for my brother or sister who wasn't given a choice of life.
http://apps.facebook.com/causes/birthdays/130163?m=a198f3aa
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