Famous Last Words

The only way I believe I can forgive him is if he doesn't do it again. I don't know, I feel like I'm the bad guy if I ask that of him though.
We have exams this week. I think I'm going to pass at least Science and Social studies. I really don't feel that great about anything else. Maybe by an act of God I will pass Latin. My study guide for science is 12 pages long. I started typing it when we got home at 1 and I just now finished. Wow my fingers are going to die and fall off, and now I'm typing more with this.
Friday I had a conversation with myself. I talked about what was wrong with me and why I didn't like myself and I just tried to figure things out. I only came up with one conclusion. Chelsea's right, it's just because I'm a teenage girl, but everything is so confusing to me. I don't understand myself or anything and it's really frustrating. I talked about Liam, I said some things I wouldn't even tell Liam, or anyone just because I'm afraid if anyone heard it I'm afraid it might come true and I don't want it to come true. I'm so emotional at the moment, people should watch out. I hope I'm not still on my period at the pool party, that would suck. I think I'm just going to wear shorts with my swim top. I know Chelsea said she likes the bottoms with the top but I don't....Ug my head hurts.

I taught Liam sign language!

I swear to God almighty in heaven if Liam does that nose thing one more fucking time I am going to shred his balls! Good god! It's so annoying... I mean it's cute and all but seriously I do LIKE to be kissed!
He better pass his exams or I will hurt him. OBEY CHILD! He needs to learn how to listen and get his horny little mind out of the gutter. But I love him.
I really should be studying for my exams. Or I'm going to fail. I think I'll go do that while he's doing his math. Good little boy! My mom thinks I'm 60% soiled.... what does that even mean?
Today I got my present from Ryan. It was a sample of Sexy little things perfume and lotion and a Coach purse. A REAL Coach purse. I mean like those things are fucking expensive!
My daddy is calling my mommy. Actually I think he's calling for me... He's inviting Me to go to the beach. And take Liam...I wonder how his parents would feel about that. I love daddykins! If Liams parents would let him that would be the best present EVER! But if they won't then Daddy said we could fill up maybe 3 or 4 cars with all my friends and drive up to cave mountain lake and have a cookout and party up there! Have I mentioned that I love Daddy? Chelsea's probably jealous... eh :/
Well this should be fun!!! I don't think I'll mention it to Liam until later though... I don't know how his parents will feel. Pray that he can...even though I honestly doubt it....maybe his Mom could come with it's not like we'd be spending the night or something and I love Miss Roach! PLEASE GOD!

IDK!!

I feel like the worlds biggest shit hole for being mad at him. I know he messed up but really I shouldn't have asked. I hate that I'm making him feel bad because I don't want him to feel bad, I want him to be happy and I'm afraid that I can't make him happy if I keep acting like this. It isn't okay that he did this, I don't know when I'll forgive him but it doesn't make me resent him or any less mad at him. I still love him, even for the mistakes he makes. It doesn't help that Darienne is sticking her big nose in trying to find out what all this is about. I'm way to trusting of people but I know that I can never tell anyone this.
I'm really hurt and it sucks because I don't have anyone to share my pain with. It's impossible for me to even be mad at him because, he's just so amazing. He's so funny and just looking at him makes me smile but all the time I'm fighting both sides of a civil war inside of me.
He wants me to blame him, but I don't want to be mad at him. But I'm already upset. I want to hit him so hard that tears will come into his eyes like they did mine but I'm scared to even say something to him about it. I don't want to lose him. I've wanted him for so long and now that I have him I'm so afraid that one wrong move by me will have him gone quicker than my heart beats when he's around. I feel like I need space from him so I can finally get my head on straight but I know that the second I'm away from him my life is worthless and pointless.
Maybe the approaching summer is a good thing. I'm scared though. I don't want to have to go without not seeing him everyday, it's what keeps me partially sane. I get out of bed every morning knowing that I get to go see him, what's going to wake me up in the summer. Memories of him are great but are nothing compared to what it's like when I'm with him. I guess I need to trust him to still love me even if he doesn't see me every second and trust myself to not make him my life, which I mostly already have.
He's hurt me but my heart is still in tact. I'm in pain, but it isn't so great that I can not feel. I know he loves me. I know he made that decision, as stupid as it was, without thinking I would get hurt. I forgive him partially because he never meant to hurt me, but he did and he never should have done it in the first place. I do blame myself but it's only so I don't want to make him angry. I know he's upset, but he shouldn't be or maybe he should. He needs to make it right. I don't know how but I know he does and just apologizing profusely isn't going to make it right. I have to know he is actually sorry and see that things are different.
It hurts me so much that he would do that.. I keep saying that. No one understands the pain I'm in. what he did I can forgive with change and time but at this moment, it hurts me to much. Why forgive someone if I'm still in pain?
Unfortunately he'll probably read this....I love him. I love spending time with him, I love when he's annoying and I love when he drives me crazy.
Like today he would not kiss me. He'd go like he was going to kiss me and then just rub noses. Oh my word it drove me INSANE I was about to freak out. I don't know how he does it but it's amazing. I love it. I love him.
I shouldn't be jealous of him for his natural talents...but seriously honey, i tried.
That's all I'm going to say on that matter.
I'm willing to forgive him if he's willing to show me he's sorry. I know what he did is something he can never change but as I said before I love him for everything his goods his bads AND his mistakes.

Disenchanted

So today I found out something...something I didn't want to know but already sort of knew. I wish I could be more specific but now that people actually read my blog I can't.
This thing tears me up inside, I don't know if anyone would understand why but it hurts. I know he loves me but if he loves me why does he need that? Aren't I good enough? Apparently not as good as he's made me out to be. I don't want to be this upset about it because I shouldn't and I know if I make a big to do about it he'll never be able to trust me with anything. It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough so he's got to go and get it somewhere else. Maybe if he's going to that then I don't need to do anything because he's got all he needs with it. I know this sounds stupid but I feel like I've been cheated on or something. Wouldn't you in my situation.
And somehow in all this I can't help but feel guilty and angry at myself.
Guilty because I'm obviously not doing good enough and angry at myself for letting this upset because I really have no right whatsoever to be upset.
Sometimes I think life would be so much more easy if I just didn't care. I want to lash out at him and scream at him because it hurts me so much but at the same time I want to shut my mouth and keep to myself because it makes him happy. Ever since I've met him I just don't know what I want anymore.
I don't know what I hate I don't know what I love, I'm just so confused about everything and it's all overwhelming because it's like one huge mess in my mind that is impossible to sort. I need psychiatric help. I'm probably mentally crazy.
That's one of my fears. I fear that I have an undiagnosed mental disease.
It's just so hard for me to really think about things. It's all just jumbled up into emotions.
I'm so angry, and I don't know if I'm angry at him or me I'm just angry. I'm angry at us both! I'm just I don't know! I'm sad and hurt and disappointed and I wish he had never done that but I wish I'd never known, but it would be so much better if he just hadn't done that because I can't tell him not to do it because then I'm not being a very good girlfriend.
I just want him to know that I love him and if that's what he chooses I can live with that just as he's lived with me and I don't want him to stop doing ANYTHING he enjoys just for the sake of my happiness. I especially don't want him to lie to me under any circumstances. I'd rather be hurt by the truth than be happy and have him lie to me. I'm so confused. Can anyone help me?

Please Don't Leave Me

I solved my problem. Kind of. Woo! anyway.
So I told someone about Sunday......I got lectured. It made me really angry, if I had wanted to be lectured I would have told my mother. It made me very angry. I told her I wouldn't do it again, but fuck her I'll do it again all I want. It's my body and my choice and she needs to shut the fuck up because I love Liam. I wish she would stop telling me I don't. She doesn't know what goes on inside my head or how I feel.
I don't know if I love him. I feel like I do. If love is still being attracted to him when he has snot running down his face and even if he threw up on me or something absolutely disgusting I'm still attracted to and just can't get enough of him. Maybe that's gross, but I need him no matter what he does. I know that there is almost no chance that we will get married and live happily ever after but I can't help but dream of it and want it. I know I shouldn't set myself up for disappointment but I already have and it's to late to turn around. I'm letting him love me and loving him more and more each day. I know that it's so cliche to say these things but I just don't have a very abstract imagination.
Life without Liam is like a metronome with no tick. It's pointless. I know I shouldn't revolve my life around him but I do. I can't help it. He makes me love him, I wish I didn't and at the same time I wish I could love him more. Every time I see him I just have the need to touch him. My life was nothing until I met him and I need him. I need him so unbelievably much. I've said things in the past about death but they're lies. I could never commit suicide because I can't imagine ever being without him. I would do anything to see him happy. I can't believe I've been so selfish to let myself get upset over something that makes him happy. I only hope and pray we'll last forever but all good things come to an end. It scares me, and maybe that's why I don't want to let him love me. Maybe that's why I'm afraid to let people know that I love him. I wish I could live in the moment but I can't.
Please God never let us separate. If he ever walked out of my life I couldn't live. I wouldn't want to. I love him but I want and need him too. If only all life stories had a happy ever after.


(this is the guy I'm supposed to be in love with)

Come Back

Today was good. No today was amazing, the time I spent with Liam could not have been better. But now that I'm home, I sort of have an issue. I can't say because it's embarrassing but it hurts and it needs to stop. :(
I love Liam a lot, it's insane. I love Darienne too. I wish I could tell her about today but that would be.....yea....
Well I don't have a lot to say. I need to actually have a picture with Liam. I think there's only like two of him and I together in existence and only one where we're actually pretending to like each other.
I'm in a lot of pain... :( I wish I knew what was wrong, because it's really starting to freak me out.
Someone I need help....I'm googling it trying to find out what's wrong but...eh :(

Solitaire

So basically more or less I hate solitaire. It's stupid, pointless, and hard. Normally I like hard things but not this kind of hard. I wish it would die a slow painful and lonely death.

The Loves of my Life:
Whenever someone thinks of the love of their life they usually think about their significant other. In this case the two loves of my life are my two younger sisters: Fiona and Bitty.

Bitty:
Bitty is the youngest of my sisters that lives with me. She is the most adorable child I have ever seen. She is so outgoing and independent, she follows in Chelseas footsteps mostly. She's very girly, she loves trying on pretty shoes (her first word). She loves to sing and dance. I've never met anyone who does not right off the bat love Bitty to bits and pieces.


Fiona:
Fiona is the exact opposite of Bitty, more like me. She's selfish, throws tantrums and is very bossy. She's a little tomboy. She hates dresses or anything and buys most of her clothes from the boys section. She's the smartest child I've ever known, she's only 4 and already reading. She's kind of self conscious but she is perfect the way she is.

Lock-In

The lock-in was AMAZING! I didn't want to go home. I think we should have stayed another day. There should be like a 3 day sleepover that seniors have or something. That would be really cool.[
So at the beginning I was a little pissed off because Liam was just off doing his own thing, but I think that's mostly because I was tired...at 11 o'clock, ha ha. So I went in to play rock band 2 with some people and then here's the stupid thing, I come into the gym and it's just Liam and Michelle and so I start kicking the ball, and a few minutes later Liam was just like I'm going to go play rock band now and that pissed me off so much it was like gee thanks after I have been waiting to even say something to you for three hours now I'm here and you're going to leave, that makes me feel wonderful..but I talked to him about it.
So then I sort of kind of not really played soccer with my sexy shirtless lesbian man, it was awesome. I tripped and like flipped and spun...it was epic, but then all these girls and a few guys came in to play volleyball so we left and I won't elaborate but he tried to wake me up several ways, some of which worked more than others but none really woke me up.
Then we played this stupid group shit thingy and I basically hated it. I was so pissed off because I didn't want to do it, then we kind of failed at a soccer tournament. So we went back to rock band and I attempted to sleep but I asked Liam to try and keep me awake, ha ha he was so funny, I love that man. The we had breakfast, I seriously think we were like high or something when we ate breakfast me and my huge banana (no joke it was abnormally large) and then we went and sat on the couch until parents picked us up, he didn't say bye to me...I guess I'm okay with that but I was pretty sure hugs had never hurt anybody. I then laid on Meghann while she combed through my hair and Wyatt laid down on me and we slept until our parents got there, it as funny because all of our parents got there at once. And then I slept, until two..and here I am as existent as ever. I really don't want to be existent right now, life kind of sucks without Liam here with me, I miss him. :(

Liam

It's his fault. I have nothing to say.
Die my lesbian sexy beast, die.

Stupid Grades

So I think I might possibly be on drugs. The illegal kind. Only I don't know how I've been taking them because I don't remember taking any, maybe I do it subconsciously like I talk in Latin subconsciously. Well I don't mind being happy. I have perfectly good reason to be happy too... just read previous posts.
So he gets jealous when I am all over other guys. And I freak out when he even talks to a girl. He thinks I don't notice this? I think about it all the time I'm just like 'I should really stop being so hypocritical and bitchy' but if I can't stop him from talking to girls and me being upset, I've decided to stop flirting with other guys. I'm really trying to also. I don't think I did anything I would not do with my dad with a guy today. I hope that makes him happy. So far this week has been AWESOME and I don't know why. I'm just so amazingly happy...for some reason. I'm really making an effort for him. I don't know why I make him bold, but I do.
I was supposed to make this post about something other than him but I sort of kind of failed. Oh well! I'm in love nothings going to change that.
I really need to get my grades up. He needs to sign my yearbook. Little D. Wow, I'm loving how every other sentence goes back to him. Every time I try to get off the subject of him I somehow get lost and revert back to him.
Ok this needs to stop. It's out of control. Damnit when we break up I'm going to commit suicide.
Well anyway, I need to take a French test and actually start doing my homework and studying in Latin.... I love Latin tutoring....yum :)
DAMN MY LIFE TO FUCK!
I love you.

I Don't Hook Up

Monday might have been the best day of my life. I got a card, c.d. and some sharpie minis from him for my birthday. I think my favorite was the card because he wrote something on it. I still don't know what I'm going to get him for his birthday.
I was listening to the c.d. he made me today while cleaning my room and for some reason the idea got into my head that he doesn't love me, that he's just using me. I don't know where in the devil I get that idea because he's never given me any reason to doubt. Something's just wrong with me, I wish I didn't think such things but they just force themselves into my head to prevent me from letting him love me. He thinks I get upset over some of the stupidest things. If he doesn't want me to be upset I won't be upset, I've told him over a million times that I don't care what he says as long as he means it, I won't be upset ..but he never listens.
I love him, I hope he knows that I do and nothing he nor anyone does will ever change that. Every time I even think of being with him I get an adrenaline rush like no other and my heart feels like it's about to burst it beats so fast. When he kisses me.... it's like it's only him and I and he always leaves me wanting more and when he pulls away I just don't want him to leave. I need to be touching him, always. I can't be complete without him near. I know I write a lot about him but it's because honestly he's the only thing that's on my mind, he's the only thing I want to be on my mind. I miss him so much when I'm not with him. I can't go without talking to him for more then a day because it tears me up inside.
You can never fully understand love unless you have love. Love isn't always a feeling but mostly more of an instinct. I don't choose to love him, the things he says and does make me love him.
Love is when you love someone for everything they are and everything they aren't.
I love him when he makes me cry, angry, hateful, laugh, annoyed, smile, horny, happy, complete, suicidal, HOMICIDAL and loved. I know he puts his heart and soul to make sure I know that I'm loved.
I'm selfish enough to ask for more, and all along I should know that I can't even come close to deserving him. With all of my imperfections and abnormality's I'm nowhere near half the person he is, and he loves me anyway and I honestly don't deserve that love.
If you ever are lucky enough to find a love like mine, never let it go. Hold on with everything you've got because the second that love walks out of your life it won't return and your life will NEVER be the same because you know everything is better with him by your side.

Loves me not.

So it seems like the only way I'll find out about what he's really thinking is through his blog. That's not right. A couple should be able to share things and he should stop caring so much about what I want, just because I have a bad night doesn't mean you give me what I want. I love him so much because he doesn't give me what I want and me being a selfish person, that's what I need. I love him for all the times he drives me crazy and makes me cry and makes me angry because I love all of him. I just don't know..... I don't know anything anymore.

My life just plain sucks

Ok, so in truth my life does not actually suck, but it isn't the greatest. I don't get to do things that most people get to do and my evening consists of overusing facebook, eating dinner, and showering. Woo, isn't my life exciting? At the moment I am at school. I love school, I choose to stay here (on normal days) until 5:30pm, but I usually stay until 6pm. I then go home eat dinner and as I said before over use facebook. I'm not sure if everyone elses life is like mine but tell me what your average evening consists of?

Boys will be Boys

My boyfriend and I have the same friends, he is obviously more close to them considering the fact that they are mostly guys but occasionally they'll talk to me instead. Just the other day his best friend was asking me about advice on girls and such. He was telling me how he never really talks to my boy friend anymore how it's like whenever he gets a chance he just doesn't know what to say and he feels as if he is losing a friend. I agree, lately my boy friend has been more susceptible to his other friend.
I understand that they are slightly different for example my boy friend is madly in love and his best friend believes in having sex with as many women as possible before he dies. I'm not entirely sure what is making them distant but it scares me because it proves my point. I'm always afraid that Liam or I will change and fall out of love. Liam has changed and is no longer best friends with his best friend. I hate change.

Love Story

She had always had a certain darkness about her that severely increased when she hit her tweens. She was stuck inside a dreadful world, filled with hate, anger, and bitterness. It was time for a change. Her first day of school could have been better, not knowing anyone she sat off in a corner. None of the guys she saw that walked by were especially cute, she had to pick and choose from what she had. After about a week she began to form a crush on one of the guys in the class. He was very shy and she sat next to him in science class. With the help of new friends she gathered up the courage to talk to him and since she had nothing better to say asked him nothing but awkward questions. Her crush soon turned into an infatuation. It was amazing the way he acted that she loved to just watch him, after a month of no interest she gave up and moved on. 8th graders weren't generally her aim but that didn't stop her from liking one of the more popular guys in a grade higher than her own. Iseman Knight was funny and charming, he had a certain appeal that drew her in. She thought about him non-stop and forgot about her previous crush.
One day as she was sitting in geography class he walked in as he was doing so she looked up and couldn't help but want to kiss him. She'd thought this crush was over but after that day he ruled her mind. It had been going around the school that he liked a girl and while all her friends told her it was her she couldn't bring herself to believe it. She was right the crush turned out to be faulty. Days, weeks, months past by and still nothing. After awhile she convinced herself that she didn't need a man to complete her, that's when she met Andrew.
Andrew was a guy she had been eyeing at her church for the past 3 years. He wasn't the best she could get and she knew that but she did like him. Much to her surprise he asked her out only about two weeks after they started talking. She felt her life was complete. She had friends, a boy friend, and a perfect life what more could she need? She was sad when she had to go on vacation for a week and go without seeing him. Her vacation week was great and thought about him all the time and the second she got back hom he dumped her. He had never liked her and actually felt sorry for her, she was so revolted but managed to forgive and forget.
The very second school started again, her eight grade year, she saw that boy, as he walked in, he took her heart. She thought of nothing but him and actually started failing classes because she couldn't pay attention with him near. Again her life was horrible and she was disgusted with the way things were going and therefore took up cutting again. Something about the razorblade on her skin made most things better but no matter how much she deformed herself she could not numb herself to his power. Often she would just sit and stare at him and try to understand what was going on in his head. Christmas came and went. Lonely water fell on the ground. As lonely as she was.
Spirit week was the first week back at school after break. Pajama day, sports day, crazy outfit day, twin day, and green and white day. The day of the game was the best day of her life. Wearing shorts and a t-shirt she huddled close to his warmth and could almost cry of happiness. After the next few days he asked her out. Her life was turned upside down and inside out. They may not be perfect, in fact they are far from perfect, but they fell in love. Each day they learn something and experience something new.

I've never felt this way about anyone. Tell me it's my first boyfriend tell me I'm crazy but honestly I don't give a flying fuck what you think because it's my life. I don't tell you how to live yours unless you ask. I'm not asking.
"Will you be my fish?"