IDK!!

I feel like the worlds biggest shit hole for being mad at him. I know he messed up but really I shouldn't have asked. I hate that I'm making him feel bad because I don't want him to feel bad, I want him to be happy and I'm afraid that I can't make him happy if I keep acting like this. It isn't okay that he did this, I don't know when I'll forgive him but it doesn't make me resent him or any less mad at him. I still love him, even for the mistakes he makes. It doesn't help that Darienne is sticking her big nose in trying to find out what all this is about. I'm way to trusting of people but I know that I can never tell anyone this.
I'm really hurt and it sucks because I don't have anyone to share my pain with. It's impossible for me to even be mad at him because, he's just so amazing. He's so funny and just looking at him makes me smile but all the time I'm fighting both sides of a civil war inside of me.
He wants me to blame him, but I don't want to be mad at him. But I'm already upset. I want to hit him so hard that tears will come into his eyes like they did mine but I'm scared to even say something to him about it. I don't want to lose him. I've wanted him for so long and now that I have him I'm so afraid that one wrong move by me will have him gone quicker than my heart beats when he's around. I feel like I need space from him so I can finally get my head on straight but I know that the second I'm away from him my life is worthless and pointless.
Maybe the approaching summer is a good thing. I'm scared though. I don't want to have to go without not seeing him everyday, it's what keeps me partially sane. I get out of bed every morning knowing that I get to go see him, what's going to wake me up in the summer. Memories of him are great but are nothing compared to what it's like when I'm with him. I guess I need to trust him to still love me even if he doesn't see me every second and trust myself to not make him my life, which I mostly already have.
He's hurt me but my heart is still in tact. I'm in pain, but it isn't so great that I can not feel. I know he loves me. I know he made that decision, as stupid as it was, without thinking I would get hurt. I forgive him partially because he never meant to hurt me, but he did and he never should have done it in the first place. I do blame myself but it's only so I don't want to make him angry. I know he's upset, but he shouldn't be or maybe he should. He needs to make it right. I don't know how but I know he does and just apologizing profusely isn't going to make it right. I have to know he is actually sorry and see that things are different.
It hurts me so much that he would do that.. I keep saying that. No one understands the pain I'm in. what he did I can forgive with change and time but at this moment, it hurts me to much. Why forgive someone if I'm still in pain?
Unfortunately he'll probably read this....I love him. I love spending time with him, I love when he's annoying and I love when he drives me crazy.
Like today he would not kiss me. He'd go like he was going to kiss me and then just rub noses. Oh my word it drove me INSANE I was about to freak out. I don't know how he does it but it's amazing. I love it. I love him.
I shouldn't be jealous of him for his natural talents...but seriously honey, i tried.
That's all I'm going to say on that matter.
I'm willing to forgive him if he's willing to show me he's sorry. I know what he did is something he can never change but as I said before I love him for everything his goods his bads AND his mistakes.