Can you spare me some change?

Today was the kind of day that I just didn't want to get out of bed. I awoke to a small child banging loudly on an upside down pan with a spoon. It was not the best way to start the day. Since I had tried to get to sleep for an hour after that with no success and it was raining, I decided to go for a walk. I love walking in the rain and just feeling it on my skin. It's really very relaxing.

I started thinking about when I was younger and I try to compare the things she does to the things I would have done when I was her age. I suppose banging on a pan at that age in some sense would seem appealing. I never did things like that when I was younger. I was very obedient, but only because if I was too loud or too annoying, I would get spanked. Fiona has much more leeway. My mom thinks that the way she raised us somehow made us the way we are and she's going to try to raise Fiona and Bitty differently. My mother has no preservation of our feelings. I shouldn't make my mom out as the bad guy but let's a face it, to a teenager parents are our worst enemy. All the things in my past, the things I told myself I was never going to do, they all seem like such small niches in the greater scheme of things. To myself at a younger age, it seemed very important to me to do only good but as an older teenager all I want to do is bad. Things change, people change. In truth all it is is adolescence but as a person yes, I have changed.

I have a fear of change, it's one of the few things I am actually afraid of. I have changes very much so in the past 4 years of my life. I started at 10 as a selfish, conceited, brat. As soon as I met Brandon (around age 11) I became very self conscious. I was also no longer the little girl that wanted to grow up and be a princess whose favorite color was pink no, instead I was the tripp pants, chains, and black. I hated pink I hated who I was and who I used to be I hated everything. (Surprisingly I was rather happy during this time of my life, maybe because I was loved). That stage lasted for about two years, or a little less, because then I started attending Holy Cross. The people there changed me, I was happy I had friends, I stopped cutting, suddenly wearing black wasn't a necessity for me.

And there was Liam. Yes I know we've heard a lot about Liam, but he does play a very big part in my life. I must say I was infatuated if not in love with Liam from the minute I laid eyes on him, now I'm not kidding about that either. I thought he was very handsome and I wanted him. With time, and change I got him. I am now a toned down, emotional version of my 10 year old self. People may not love me for it but the respect me for who i am. I have very few friends but many acquaintances. I can live with that because the friends I do have are all I need at the moment.

The reason I am so scared of change, at least change in personality, is because I do not want to lose people by me changing. It has happened before and I know it can and probably will happen again. losing people I love is another one of my few but very serious fears. I couldn't stand it. I'm most scared of changing and losing Liam. I think the previous blog posts speak for themselves on why. All in all change is going to happen no matter what, it's all apart of the plan and you just have to go with the flow because, in my opinion, it's probably for the better.