Near You Always

I don't know why but for some reason there is no time in my life when I am more depressed then when I am on my period. It really isn't fun, especially around holidays. Today we are celebrating the fourth of July a day early and I just can't enjoy it. Now I can't blame it entirely on my feminine adolescent issues, but for the majority it is. Last night I was upset, just upset, I suppose the Liam issue triggered it but I was really upset and didn't go to bed until 1:00am and didn't fall asleep until 3:30am.
Now I weighed myself and guess who weighs 122 lbs.? That's right, me. I know I'll get over it just like I did when I hit 100 lbs., but I looked up the average weight of myself and I should weigh 105-115 lbs. that's 7 more lbs. then I should weigh. :( I know it's just my hormones talking because I don't worry about my weight, generally. I want to see Liam, but I'm scared to see him. I don't know what he sees in me. I know he is always saying he likes me because I'm different, but I'm not really different I'm just psycho. I'm not complaining that he likes me, I just don't get it.
I may not have a true friend, but Darienne is the closest thing to one and I will take her. She really is a good friend, sometimes, when I need her.
I feel like something is wrong with my life, or like something should be wrong with it so I am speedily scanning my mind subconsciously for any faults or defects in my life that I can use to say my life is crappy. I know it's stupid, but like I said I'm doing it subconsciously, again it's the hormones. I can't wait til I'm no longer a teenager.
I believe suicide victims commit suicide because they have been disappointed one to many times. I have considered suicide occasionally, in the past even attempted it. I don't attempt it anymore because I'm waiting to see the outcome of life. I haven't been severely let down as much as some and I can still see through even the worst crimes to my happy future. When a person has been disappointed to many times, they have no hope and can't look to the future because all they see is dread and despair like their life is at the moment.
I feel the need to do something to draw attention to myself. I'm severely considering going anorexic, bulimic, cutting, or beating myself just for attention. Cutting and bulimia being the ones I would go with first. These hormones are stupid. It's them talking. I'm considering doing those things for attention because I want it. Normally, when I'm not on my period, I am perfectly fine with no attention and such but I need nothing more than it when I am. Which is why I must apologize to Liam for my upset last night. It was the hormones dear, crying for attention, not me. The love you just as much as I do.
Speaking of love, Darienne does not believe I love Liam, Chelsea does. This makes me angry. I mean she can think all she wants but to really believe it makes me angry. She doesn't know my feelings and she has no idea how my wants and needs run so how can she know if I love him or not? I mean people, such as friends and family, can only tell a persons love from the outside, such as affection but even just when they talk. Some people are more physical than mental with their relationships but the physical way a couple acts does not define their feelings for each other, only the actual feelings that only they feel do so therefore I find it impossible for anyone but the person themselves to know whether they are in love or not. An outside force can only judge the feelings, they can not know for sure. A book should never be judged by it's cover.
For anyone who believes I am not in love, please rethink this accusation. I can not make you believe but for you to believe that I am not is an insult to me. Judging is wrong under any circumstances and who are you to judge my feelings for another person. I am no science experiment I'm merely human, it's all I ever have been and all I ever will be. Love me or hate me I'll leave that decision up to you, all I ask is that you respect me as a human, and never judge me. Never judge me.